


Refuge

by Amethystina



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: (not of the Catholic kind surprisingly enough), Alternate Universe, And of course: Happy Ending, And should look over his life choices, Because you know me by now, Canon-Typical Violence, Cougar is an assassin, Guilt, Jensen is on it though, M/M, Not to worry, Some angst, but also fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3094580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cougar finds himself chased bleeding through the city streets after a messed up job the last thing he expects is to get kidnapped. And not by the people chasing him, oh no, but a persuasive kid with distractingly bright blue eyes who for some reason seems determined to help him. Cougar can't help wondering if this is what stray puppies and kittens must feel like when they're forcibly adopted without their consent.</p><p>It quickly becomes obvious that Cougar is in way over his head with this kid. Jacob Jensen is simultaneously the most bewildering, intriguing and lovable person Cougar has ever met. He doesn't stand a chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> A while back I asked [Jujitsuelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf) for some Cougar/Jensen prompts and one of them was 'Refuge'. I knew right away what I wanted to write but I didn't manage to keep it as the 4 000 word ficlet I had intended. 29 000 words later you have this three chaptered fanfic and boy, do I love it. I had so much fun writing this and I really, really hope you'll like it too, because this is one of those I'm incredibly proud over.
> 
> I have taken to seeing Refuge as the spiritual companion piece to [Runaway](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1345906/chapters/2806933), since they mirror each other in more than one way. Runaway is the story of how a lost Jensen finds his place in the world, while Refuge, in turn, is about Cougar going through the same process. It's role reversal, with a different setting but the same age difference.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) is my beta for life and the artsy stuff is made by me. You can also find my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/) here, if you're interested in that.

 

* * *

 

Cougar knew he shouldn't have accepted this job. Even if he hadn't been able to detect any outright traps it had seemed off from the very beginning. Vague, somehow; not to mention that the pay wasn't all that good. Usually he would trust his instincts and decline but this time he had figured that he was just being excessively paranoid.

The bleeding hole in his side proved that maybe he had been just the right amount of paranoid.

If he hadn't been so preoccupied navigating the crisscrossing alleys while simultaneously trying to shake his pursuers and not bleed to death, he would have been cursing himself for being such a fool. He was supposed to be better than this, especially after over ten years in the business.

But, once again, the bullet hole in his side said otherwise.

The beat of rushed footsteps against the asphalt was a distant echo behind him but the sheer tenaciousness of his pursuers was enough to make him grit his teeth. He had hoped to lose them in the labyrinth of back alleys and narrow streets but they persisted, determined to hunt him down.

Cougar was never going to accept another job facilitated by Aisha, that was for sure.

He took a sharp left, stumbling slightly despite his best efforts to keep himself upright. The blood loss was getting to him. If he was to be honest it was probably more of a bullet graze than a hole, but it hurt and bled like a bitch, which made it a big inconvenience none the less. Enough to make him dizzy, and for his focus slip to the point that he had to shake his head to clear away the dancing black spots.

His right hand was pressed against his side, but in lack of an actual tourniquet it made very little difference. His fingers felt slippery around the gun in his other hand – stained with blood as they were – and even though he was more accustomed to firing with his right he knew that he would still be able to aim better than most with his left.

It wouldn't be much of a consolation if his six pursuers caught up with him, however. He might be good but he wasn't superhuman – not when he was feeling the creeping lightheadedness from blood loss and had a hard time raising his arm without wincing.

Cougar was so focused on putting one foot in front of the other and to keep his distance from the men following in his tracks that he completely forgot to look at what was in front of him.

He turned around another corner and after two steps he had to veer off course to avoid colliding with a trashcan. The resulting stumble made Cougar curse foully under his breath, and he had to momentarily let go of his side to brace against the cold metal lid of the trashcan instead. It took a second for him to gain his bearings, sucking in a slow, deep breath – or as deep a one as he dared without risking to aggravate his wound further – before looking up.

And found himself staring into a pair of wide, blue eyes.

A distant thought pointed out that those were possibly the bluest eyes he had ever seen, but the functioning and responsible part of his brain was already evaluating the new situation.

The incredible eyes belonged to some kid who looked to be in his mid-twenties, with blond hair in a spiky, ruffled mess and round glasses that somewhat obscured the brilliance of those baby blues. The jarringly purple t-shirt he wore had some kind of bizarre print that Cougar didn't really have time to pay attention to, nor did he try to decipher the logo on the kid's long, dark apron. He looked surprisingly defenseless for someone so muscular, but that could have been the startled look on his face. He was clearly a bit bigger than Cougar when it came to sheer size.

The kid was holding the lid of the trashcan next to the one Cougar was slumped against, obviously having been interrupted in the middle of dumping some garbage behind whatever establishment he worked at.

The moment seemed to linger, neither of them moving.

Cougar remained motionless, mostly because he was now faced with the frustrating dilemma whether to shoot the kid or not before continuing to flee, but a dead body wasn't exactly subtle and he had to admit that it would be a terrible waste to kill someone so pretty.

Cougar blamed that unexpected thought on the blood loss.

It was the sound of loud footsteps that brought Cougar back to the present, making him realize that he had to make a decision – and he had to do it fast. To his infinite surprise the kid seemed to snap to attention first, putting the lid back before reaching out and grabbing Cougar's arm.

Reflexes told Cougar to tear free or at the very least push the gun against the underside of the kid's jaw for making such a brash move, but he was somewhat distracted by how he was being towed towards the open door behind the kid. It was a bright rectangle of light in the otherwise dim alley and Cougar had to fight an urge to wince when he was dragged closer.

"Come on, come _on_! Get in," the kid hissed, pushing with an insistence that wasn't exactly unexpected considering the size of him, but still somewhat baffling. Cougar wasn't used to being herded anywhere and least of all by people who looked to be five years younger than him.

His strength was waning fast however and struggling seemed to be a fairly useless affair unless he wanted to put a bullet through the kid's skull. Cougar almost tripped on the low stone steps leading up to the door and into a white and chrome kitchen, lit by glaring, fluorescent lights.

Distractingly strong hands kept him upright and on course, the grip around Cougar's elbow firm but still gentle somehow.

"Hurry! In here."

Cougar found himself unceremoniously shoved through another doorway, adjacent to the one he had entered from, barely having time to brace himself against a shelf to avoid falling flat on his face. It struck him that the kid might, in some weird way, be trying to help him.

"Just... stay. And be quiet. I'll fix this."

Cougar looked over his shoulder, raising a dubious eyebrow at the kid in the doorway. To his continued surprise the kid's only reaction was to snatch a kitchen towel from somewhere out of sight and toss it to Cougar. It looked clean; possibly even brand new.

"Try not to bleed on everything, okay?" the kid said in a rush, holding up his hands as if to placate Cougar. Then, without waiting for a reply, he quickly stepped back and closed the door without another word; leaving Cougar alone in what he now saw was some kind of storage room for cleaning supplies.

It was difficult to say if this was an improvement to Cougar's predicament or not.

He gritted his teeth and pressed the towel against his side, holding back a hiss at the sharp stab of pain. The gun was almost slipping from his fingers by then but he wasn't willing to put it away just yet. If his pursuers found him he wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Cougar was so focused on keeping his breathing even that he didn't notice the commotion outside at first. He became aware of it only after hearing a surprised yelp he realized had to have come from the kid.

"Whoa! Hey! Easy!"

Cougar felt a spike of dread, his fingers tightening around the handle of his gun. As much as he wanted to survive the night he wasn't sure if he wanted the kid's death on his conscience either; Cougar knew firsthand just how ruthless the people chasing him could be.

Never mind that Cougar had considered killing the kid himself a minute ago.

It would be a completely different matter if it happened because of him, when the kid was trying to save him for some reason that Cougar had yet to fathom. Cougar had never asked for the kid's help.

"Where is he?"

The voices were slightly muffled thanks to the closed door between them but Cougar could hear the threatening edge to those words; almost as if they had been said right next to him. He closed his eyes and sent off a quick prayer that the kid knew what he was doing. Cougar wasn't in any shape to help, regrettably enough.

"The bleeding dude? With the swanky hat and pretty face? Well, he-"

The words cut off and Cougar had fight a rather inexplicable reflex to shove the door open and see for himself that it wasn't because they had hurt the kid somehow. Cougar held his breath, despite how it only made his dizziness worse.

" _Where_ did he _go_?"

"Down the alley! That way!" The kid sounded terrified. "He went that way! Please don't hurt me! Please, I'm begging you."

Cougar ground his teeth together hard enough for it to hurt. The tremble in the kid's voice tore at his heart and he hated the fact that it was his fault. But to rush out there now would ruin everything. It would only kill them both.

The short silence was shattered by a loud, metallic clatter that Cougar assumed meant that the kid had been shoved into the trashcans, but that was far better than getting a bullet between his eyes. Cougar's heartbeat was loud in his ears and he couldn't quite tell whether the group of six men following him fell for the lie or not, but he assumed that they did.

The kid had sounded so terribly scared.

It took several moments – perhaps even a full minute – before the door to the broom closet opened with a soft click. Cougar supposed it had taken that long for the men to leave. During a fraction of a second he considered raising his gun but at the same time he wasn't sure if it would be of much use. The opening was nothing more than a narrow gap but still enough to let in a slanting ray of white light, cutting through the darkness surrounding him.

"Are you alright? Did they hurt you?" It just slipped out – rather involuntarily actually – the moment Cougar could confirm that it was the kid on the other side.

A very surprised looking kid.

"Uh... no, they didn't hurt me. They waved some guns around but that's it. I'm fine." The kid seemed a bit puzzled but it flowed into a smile soon enough, as if he suddenly understood why Cougar sounded so anxious. "It's called acting. Nothing to worry about. I'm more concerned about you."

Cougar was honestly feeling a bit out of his depth. This had not been a part of his plans when he accepted the job and he had a difficult time figuring out what to do next.

That never happened to him.

He decided to blame it on the blood loss, like so many other things. It had nothing at all to do with the kid's bright, blue eyes. Or the frankly obscene amount of eyelashes he seemed to possess.

"Just hang on a second, okay? I'll be right back."

The kid was apparently going to take the lead and despite what a bad idea that might be Cougar didn't have the energy to fight it. He wasn't sure if he trusted the kid – insanely blue eyes or not – but he doubted that it was somehow worse than what would happen if he tried to get out of this mess on his own. At this point he might soon collapse from the dizziness.

Not to mention that the kid had already shaken Cougar's pursuers when Cougar himself couldn't.

So he merely nodded and closed his eyes again, leaning back against the nearest shelf. He was exhausted, not only from the chase through the city and the wound in his side, but the days leading up to the botched mission, where he had been too busy doing recon to really eat and sleep appropriately.

The towel Cougar was pressing against his side was stained red but the pain was subsiding somewhat, which might not actually be a good sign, all things considered. He could distantly hear the kid say goodbye to his colleagues, his voice deceptively calm considering that he was hiding a bleeding man amongst the restaurant's cleaning supplies.

For a brief moment Cougar wondered why on earth he actually waited for the kid to come back. He could easily leave on his own considering how close the broom closet was to the exit, but for some reason his body just wouldn't move.

He told himself that it was because he hadn't had the time to thank the kid yet and didn't want to leave before that. As unexpected an ally as he might be the kid deserved to hear that his help was appreciated, even if he had to be more than a little crazy for giving it.

Self-preservation clearly wasn't one of the kid's strong suits.

Cougar spent his time trying to breathe around the pain in his side, calmly reviewing his contingency plan – the one he made just in case he would have to leave town quickly and now seemed in desperate need of. The question was just how badly he would feel the gunshot in the morning. It could slow him down.

He looked up when the door opened again. The kid was wearing a tattered jacket on top of his t-shirt and had left the apron behind. Cougar frowned when the kid gestured, rather frantically, for him to hurry up and come with him. He could understand the urgency, sure, but Cougar wasn't exactly at the height of efficiency here.

But he straightened dutifully and made his way over to the kid, not the least bit surprised to feel that gentle but strong grip settle around his arm again. Cougar allowed it, if only because it actually helped keep him on the right course.

The kid steered him back out into the alley behind the restaurant before heading east; the way Cougar had come from. Even before he had time to ask where they were going the kid told him on his own accord.

"I live just down this block."

Cougar was so far gone that it took him a second to understand what the kid was implying.

"Wait. No." He shook his head, forcing the kid to stop when he refused to move further. "I'm not coming with you."

It might not be eloquent but got his point across well enough. The kid's expression didn't change at first but Cougar could tell that his gears were turning. It was actually rather unsettling not knowing what was passing through the kid's head. He looked innocent with his glasses and bright blue eyes but Cougar was fairly certain that looks were deceiving in this case – the kid had already proven to be a disturbingly good actor when the occasion called for it.

"Alright. I'll just take you to a hospital then." The kid shrugged casually. _Too_ casually.

He had to know that Cougar would never agree to it.

"No." Cougar gritted his teeth, glaring up at the kid. The fact that he had to tip his head back to meet the kid's eyes – no matter how slightly – annoyed him. Cougar felt vulnerable enough as it was with the bullet hole in his side. The kitchen towel helped, sure, and the bleeding had pretty much stopped, but he was still far from okay.

"Someone has to look over that wound of yours and if you won't let me do it I'll just take you to a hospital instead," the kid persisted, not letting go of Cougar's arm. "And honestly, the longer we stand here arguing the easier it will be for me because you look a couple of minutes away from collapsing, and once you do I'll just _carry you_ to the hospital, whether you like it or not."

Cougar wasn't exactly a lightweight just because he was smaller than the kid, but he had to agree that it probably wouldn't prove too big of a challenge for someone with those kinds of muscles to carry him. The kid had distractingly wide shoulders, now that Cougar thought about it.

He decided not to.

"I could shoot you," Cougar pointed out. But considering that he had pretty much forgotten about the gun – holding on to it on pure reflex rather than intent to use it – the words came off sounding more like a lamely stated grumble than an actual threat.

He was definitely not feeling well if he couldn't even threaten people correctly.

"Somehow I doubt that you'll shoot me," the kid replied dryly.

Snarky little shit.

Cougar was tempted to shoot the kid just to prove him wrong. But that would have been petty and Cougar suspected that he was supposed to be above that kind of behavior.

The kid had the audacity to smile.

"I'm not an idiot, okay? I know you're probably not a good person in the eyes of the law but I'm willing to bet that you're better than those guys chasing you. Trust me when I say that if you hadn't been I would have pointed them to the broom closet without a second thought."

It was frankly terrifying to hear it being said so casually; that was Cougar's life the kid was talking about. But at the same time it felt oddly comforting, since it proved that the kid perhaps wasn't as naïve as his looks might suggest.

"Why help me?" Cougar had to ask.

The kid gave him another smile before tentatively tugging on his arm, until Cougar reluctantly started moving again. He wanted to be stubborn and refuse but there was some truth to him being in danger of collapsing and he would rather not do that in the middle of the street.

"I guess I was just raised that way," was the kid's answer, given together with a brilliant smile and a slight shrug. As if it was perfectly normal for him to pick up armed strangers bleeding from gunshot wounds late at night.

Cougar sincerely hoped the kid was smarter than that.

Cougar knew he should have protested further; if nothing else for the _kid's_ sake, because getting involved in the mess Cougar had just made could potentially prove harmful. But there was just something disarmingly persuasive about the kid and the way he gently steered Cougar down the street while babbling about the restaurant he worked at. Cougar wasn't particularly interested and even if he had been he was feeling far too lightheaded to be able to focus on what was being said.

He barely even managed to put his gun away – a movement that was so deeply ingrained in his muscle memory that he should be able to do it in his sleep. He figured that even if he found a reason to shoot the kid he probably wouldn't be able to go through with it, so there was no use waving his gun around.

Trusting the kid was a risk. Cougar knew that, but it was becoming more and more apparent that he might just have to. And, to be honest, a small part of him wanted to. He couldn't say why – the kid was a complete stranger and Cougar knew to be wary of strangers – but there was something special with him; something Cougar couldn't quite put his finger on.

So despite himself he felt intrigued. Despite how bad of an idea this was he followed the kid into the rundown apartment building he had pointed out and up two flights of stairs. The climb was admittedly not very gracefully executed but Cougar felt that he was excused what with the hole in his side. Had he been less distracted by his own slowly slipping consciousness he would have grimaced at the state of the building. The smell alone should have been enough to scare off any tenants.

"Just a bit further," the kid mumbled as they neared a flaking door marked with the crooked number twenty-six. Or maybe it was twenty-eight. Cougar wasn't picky. "Almost there."

Cougar wasn't sure who the kid was talking to – himself or the bleeding man he was bringing home –, but he looked somewhat frantic when he had to let go of Cougar to rifle through his pockets in search for his keys. Cougar leaned against the wall next to the door in an attempt to keep himself steady, giving the kid a long, thoughtful look.

"What's your name?" Cougar surprised himself by asking. He didn't really care.

Or, well, he _shouldn't_ care, but maybe he did. A tiny bit.

Shit.

"Oh! I'm Jake. Jake Jensen." The kid grinned as he pulled a jingling key ring from one of the deepest pockets of his baggy jeans. "You can call me Jake or Jensen."

Cougar couldn't help smiling, just a little. Perhaps it was the ludicrous situation or maybe the excited and slightly breathless way the kid was talking, but Cougar found it strangely amusing.

"Can I ask what your name is without getting the reply that you'd have to kill me if you told me?" the kid – _Jake_ – asked cheekily.

Cougar was startled by his own chuckle, wincing a second later when it sent a sharp lash of pain through his side. He clutched the kitchen towel a little tighter.

"Cougar."

Jake paused for a second at that, his hands stilling in the middle of twisting the key, but eventually shrugged it off.

"Fair enough. Welcome to my humble abode, Cougar." Jake pushed the door open with a lot more flourish than necessary, especially considering the state of the place.

Then again, the apartment looked marginally better than the hallway, Cougar assessed, once Jake reached inside to flick the light switch. If a bit cluttered. It was small, the furniture worn, and wires, screws and various pieces of electronics seemed to be strewn across every available surface – and some that weren't. It wasn't filthy though, even if the wallpaper was hideous and stray pieces of colorful clothing had been thrown all over the place. It was a mess, sure, but not a smelly or disgusting mess.

It actually seemed rather organized, in some weird, confusing way that Cougar couldn't quite seem to grasp. Jake was probably the only one who did. The kid's apartment looked pretty much like Cougar had imagined it would, interestingly enough.

"Come on, we better have a look at that wound of yours before you bleed all over the carpet."

Cougar refrained from rolling his eyes and allowed Jake to steer him through the doorway.

Only for Cougar to get his foot tangled in some stray piece of cord lying just inside the threshold.

Jake scrambled to catch him before he accidentally bumped into the messy coffee table and Cougar couldn't help hissing from pain when it jostled his side. He might have been saved from falling but it still hurt like hell when Jake accidentally grabbed too close to the bullet wound in his side.

"Shit! Sorry! I'm so, so sorry!" Jake babbled while trying to rearrange his grip and simultaneously lead Cougar to the couch. "Oh god, I'm so sorry."

Cougar gritted his teeth and his vision began to blur. He recognized the darkness creeping up on him and knew that it would be a blessing if he wanted to escape the pain, but also leave him terribly vulnerable. It seemed like there wasn't much he could do to stop it though. He had pushed himself too far already.

"I'm sorry. Please, please don't die, okay? I'll fix it. I promise I'll fix it."

The admirable cool the kid had shown up until that point was clearly slipping and Cougar couldn't help finding that a tiny bit adorable. And sad, somehow.

A warm hand was pressing on top of Cougar's, keeping the kitchen towel firmly in place.

"I'll take care of you, okay? Just don't die." There was a slight tremble to the kid's voice but also an impressive determination.

Jake was pretty cute.

And Cougar was clearly delirious.

He barely felt himself being lowered onto the couch, his limbs too heavy to move. His last thought before he lost consciousness was that if he woke up missing a kidney he would just have to kill the kid after all, pretty blue eyes and brilliant, innocent smiles be damned.

Then again, Cougar probably wouldn't be able to go through with it, even if he tried.

But he was willing to pretend.

Cougar wasn't sure how many hours passed before he woke up but he was pretty certain that it was early morning when he finally did. It was partly the tired, dull light shining in through the window but even more so than that the way Jake was yawning. He seemed terribly tired, which Cougar could understand since it had to have been late before Jake went to bed. The dressing covering the wound on Cougar's side was proof enough of that.

Cougar felt rather guilty about blacking out and leaving Jake to sort things out, even if he seemed to have managed admirably well on his own. There were no missing limbs or organs, and Cougar felt surprisingly well rested even if the couch he had been sleeping on was a bit lumpy. His side hurt of course, but he hadn't expected anything less.

That was one of the reasons why he didn't move immediately once he woke up; or opened his eyes for that matter. Cougar was a patient being and could definitely afford to spend a couple of minutes just soaking everything in.

The night before had been unexpected – to put it mildly. It wasn't like Cougar had never made mistakes in his career but this was definitely his first time being virtually kidnapped by a stranger hell bent on helping him out of the mess he had landed himself in.

He still wasn't sure why Jake had done it.

Cougar wasn't so surprised that Jake had wanted to stop the bleeding; that was a fairly normal reaction. But the kid had also faced violent thugs with a rather disturbing confidence and not commented all that much on Cougar's gun. That was something that caused a slight twinge of paranoia in Cougar.

Most people didn't bring bleeding, armed strangers to their apartment without getting at least a little bit nervous. Jake was almost suspiciously at ease, but maybe that had been due to the urgency of the situation. There was no telling how Jake would behave today, when the crisis was averted and he had to face the result of his actions in broad daylight.

It was surprisingly relaxing just lying there, listening to Jake as he moved around in the apartment, apparently trying to be quiet but failing rather spectacularly. The effort he put into it was rather heartwarming though.

Cougar should really stop noticing how adorable Jake was.

But it was just difficult _not_ to, when everything the kid did seemed to make it all the more obvious. Like how Jake shuffled over to the couch to put down a huge glass of water on the coffee table, well within Cougar's reach. Then hesitated for a couple of seconds before shuffling away again, digging around in a bag he had in one corner of the room before returning with painkillers.

Cougar was maybe peeking just a little bit at that point but Jake didn't seem to notice.

The kid fidgeted a little nervously, as if he was trying to decide whether to wake Cougar up or not, running a hand through his hair and biting his lip distractedly. But in the end he must have decided not to, going by the heavy – and perhaps a tiny bit disappointed – sigh he let out.

"Well, bye then," Jake mumbled dejectedly, his shoulders slumping.

For a second Cougar thought that Jake had noticed that he was awake, but the tone suggested otherwise and the way Jake turned away without waiting for an answer proved that he didn't expect to get one.

Cougar felt pretty bad about it and contemplated saying something, but that would require actually talking to the kid and Cougar was honestly not feeling quite up for that yet. Jake's ability to babble was somewhat intimidating if Cougar was to be frank, simply for how easy he seemed able to talk circles around other people.

Cougar was the first to admit that he wasn't exactly verbally gifted enough to keep up with that.

The sound of the front door opening and closing didn't come as a surprise considering Jake's mumbled goodbye, and Cougar remained motionless while listening to Jake locking the door and his retreating footsteps in the hallway outside.

It was impossible to say where Jake was going or when he would be back but Cougar assumed that the kid was off to work. Maybe he should have let Jake know that he was awake instead of faking sleep, but truth was that Cougar didn't want to get up. He knew it could be dangerous to stay too long – he was a hunted man after all and while Jake was sweet he might not be entirely trustworthy – but a couple of hours couldn't hurt. Exhaustion was still tugging at him.

It was then, just as he was slipping back to sleep, that Cougar decided that he would wait until Jake returned before he left. He could probably get himself and his things sorted and leave well before that, but it would feel awfully rude considering everything Jake had done for him.

He still hadn't told Jake how grateful he was and had every intention of doing so before disappearing from the kid's life. It was the least Cougar could do.

Cougar dozed off for another hour or so before slowly sitting up on the couch, wincing at the pain in his side. He gratefully swallowed down the painkillers together with the now tepid glass of water Jake had left for him. Cougar felt expectedly lethargic and knew that he had to replenish the fluids he had lost as quickly as possible.

He didn't immediately get up though, instead taking the opportunity to survey his surroundings a bit more carefully.

Some space had been cleared on the coffee table for his gun and hat but apart from that the small apartment looked even messier by day. But also surprisingly inviting somehow. One could tell that someone lived in this space, unlike the bare and hollow hotel rooms Cougar usually found himself sleeping in. This apartment, with its cluttered tables and shelves, weird posters on the walls and clothes strewn all over, was charming in comparison. If in a bit juvenile way.

A small kitchenette was squeezed into one corner and Cougar assumed that the two other doors besides the front door lead to a bathroom and Jake's room respectively. There didn't seem to be much else in there, unless you counted the ragged furniture and rather astounding collection of technical gadgets.

Cougar wasn't exactly an expert on the subject but he counted five computer towers and laptops in more or less functioning states, several hard drives, one or two gaming consoles, a TV, three sound systems and a myriad of smaller electronics like phones, mp3s, iPods and iPads scattered around the room. He was willing to bet that there would be even more hidden away in Jake's bedroom. Not that Cougar had any intention of looking. He was a guest and Jake's private space was clearly off limits.

If he hadn't known better he would have thought that Jake was some kind of thief that stole, demolished and sold electronics for a living, but Cougar could see that wasn't the case. Most of it was junk – scratched from use – and wouldn't fetch a good price on any kind of black market.

No, Jake probably just enjoyed fixing and tinkering with them.

Cougar couldn't help but smile at that. While the kid was obviously capable and intelligent there was also an innocence and curiosity to him that was quite disarming.

It wasn't until he moved to fetch another glass of water that Cougar realized that he was wearing a different t-shirt than he had last night; one that clearly wasn't his. At least he had no memory of owning one that said 'Home is where the WiFi connects automatically'. Jake must have put it on him after patching him up, which was awfully kind, considering that Cougar's t-shirt had to be beyond saving; if not for the bullet hole then the blood stains.

He plucked at the light blue fabric, somehow ridiculously grateful that it wasn't that horrid purple color he had seen Jake wear. And he was definitely not smiling. Not at all.

Cougar gingerly walked over to the sink for some more water, but he stopped once he noticed a photo stuck to the battered fridge. It depicted a woman hugging a little girl – who looked to be around three years old – both of them blonde and blue-eyed in the same eye-catching way Jake was. It was none of Cougar's business but he guessed it was Jake's sister and niece, because there were too many similarities in their features and bright, happy smiles for it to be a coincidence.

After downing another glass of water Cougar took the time to inspect the dressing covering his bullet wound, somewhat impressed by how well Jake had managed. It wasn't expertly applied by any means, but definitely sufficient. If it looked as neat underneath Cougar had nothing to worry about. He decided against peeling it off to have a look, knowing that it was better if he let it rest for a while.

Instead he spent his time lazily drifting around the apartment, locating the bathroom and Jake's room. He didn't actually step into the latter, only glimpsing a darkened room with a big, messy bed before he closed the door again.

He wasn't spying per se but there wasn't much else for him to do. And he was a tiny bit curious. He made sure not to touch anything however, and was careful to step over the occasional cable snaking across the floor. A part of him was actually restless enough to want to tidy things up, which was admittedly rather hilarious when he thought about it. But it was first of all not his responsibility to do so, and second, well, he couldn't be quite certain that something _wouldn't_ try to bite him if he did.

In the end he managed to find a battered, dog-eared book he assumed Jake wouldn't begrudge him for reading. Cougar had to occupy himself somehow, and he would rather not try to figure out exactly how Jake's TV worked and why he had so many extra wires running to and from it.

That could surely only end in disaster.

Cougar couldn't remember the last time he spent a day doing nothing more straining than sitting on a couch reading a book. He was usually busy with work related things, such as recon, planning, execution, traveling or covering his tracks. When he thought about it he didn't have much of a life outside of his missions. He assumed that was partly why he was so good at what he did, and it wasn't like he actually mourned his lack of a social life; he was fine just the way he was.

But it was apparent that he needed to lay low for at least a day, both for the sake of his injury and the blood hounds no doubt out looking for him that very moment. It made him uneasy to just sit there, waiting for them to pick up his scent – if they were good or lucky enough to manage it. But since coming with Jake was entirely improvised on the kid's end it would be extremely difficult to locate Cougar, even if his pursuers somehow knew of his habits. This was Jake's idea, not Cougar's, and they had had no previous contact that could be traced.

Cougar was possibly safer here, in Jake's cramped apartment, than he would have been at some nameless hotel.

Still, he felt restless with inactivity, but as soon as he even considered getting up his side would throb dully, as if to remind him that it would not only be careless to step outside in the shape he was in, but downright suicidal. Cougar was vulnerable. He could easily make mistakes in this state and there were no guarantees that he would be as lucky a second time around. Not when it had been Jake's intervention that saved him rather than Cougar's own skills.

So considering the fact that he was in no shape to be running around he spent the majority of his day reading, feeling only vaguely guilty about eating from the kid's fridge without asking first. It wasn't like Cougar had brought any food with him and venturing outside seemed like a bad idea when you were attempting to lie low.

He would just have to pay Jake back when he got home.

Cougar had just reached the last third of the book when he heard the sound of a key unlocking the front door. He looked up in time to see Jake enter with an unmistakably forlorn look on his face. One that morphed into surprise the very next second.

" _Holy shit_!" Jake recoiled, arms flailing. His elbow slammed into the doorframe before he was able to stabilize himself by clinging to the door, gripping it tight enough for his knuckles to turn white. He blinked, looking rather dumbfounded, while Cougar calmly stared back, silently wondering whether Jake needed assistance of some sort.

That was not the reaction Cougar had expected but he didn't allow himself to feel insulted; at least not without first knowing why Jake looked so baffled.

"Oh. Uh. Hi. Wow." Jake's eloquence was clearly failing him. "I honestly didn't expect you to still be here."

Cougar tilted his head to the side and closed the book, one of his fingers marking the page.

"I can leave," he offered calmly.

"No! No, no, that's not what I meant," Jake hastened to explain, just a tiny bit sheepish as he closed the door behind him. He looked adorably ruffled as he scratched a hand through his hair. "I was just certain that you would have left while I was out. You didn't seem keen on coming here in the first place and, well..." He shrugged noncommittally, but the way he was fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket made him look terribly nervous.

"I wanted to say thank you," Cougar offered. The gratefulness came easily. "You saved my life."

The kid looked up, his eyes wide and so impossibly blue. The smile he gave was bright enough to make Cougar's heart jump.

Shit.

"Oh, you're welcome! I'd do it again if I could. I mean, not that I want you to get shot again but I'd help you again." Jake was practically beaming as he lifted the strap of his shoulder bag over his head. The bag sounded heavy when he placed it on the floor, so Cougar assumed it contained yet another laptop. The kid seemed to be collecting them. "How was your day?"

Jake apparently bounced back pretty fast when it came to that carefree optimism of his. Cougar held up the book as a reply, smiling when Jake squinted in order to read the title.

"That's mine? Where on earth did you find it?" He shucked off his jacket, tossing it onto the pile of junk next to the door. Before Cougar had time to reply Jake held up his hand. "Actually, don't answer that. I'm just surprised to see that it's still here. I have a distinct memory of not liking it."

Cougar shrugged. He hadn't reached the end yet and he wasn't going to judge until he had. He was also not going to point out that Jake probably had a lot of stuff he didn't know about, simply because of how chaotic his apartment was.

"Do you want some coffee?" Jake was weighting back and forth on his heels, clearly looking for something to do. Cougar had no idea how one person could have so much energy, but it was obvious that Jake had to put it to use somehow.

So mostly for Jake's sake he nodded, holding back a smile when the kid practically _skipped_ over to the kitchenette to start the water boiler. Cougar hadn't noticed it earlier that morning but Jake wore a different t-shirt than last night. It was light yellow this time, with a brilliantly red Pac-Man ghost on the front. Cougar wasn't sure why it mattered but somehow it did. The dorky shirts kind of made him want to smile indulgently.

"How's your side by the way? I hope you haven't torn any of the stitches," Jake asked over his shoulder, his voice taking on a reprimanding edge that seemed vaguely misplaced on a person as disorganized as him.

The stitches were fine though and the dressing had still been white last time Cougar checked. But now that Jake brought it up Cougar decided to ask the question that had been lazily churning in his head all day.

"Who did the stitches?"

Cougar had felt them without looking under the bandage and while he of course knew it had to have been Jake he still wanted it confirmed somehow. Just to make sure.

"I did," Jake replied with a wide, proud grin. "Piece of cake."

Cougar couldn't help the dubious and also slightly alarmed look he gave Jake.

"Oh, come on! Don't look at me like that. I promise I didn't do it in the shape of a lightning bolt." Jake's grin was wicked enough to cause a slight but undeniable clench in Cougar's gut. It was distracting enough that he almost didn't hear the words that followed. "I was in the army, you know. They taught me all kinds of useful stuff, like basic first aid and other things."

It was probably terribly insulting of him but Cougar couldn't help blinking in surprise. He couldn't quite picture Jake in the army, in any shape, form or capacity. He was far too bright and colorful for that. Not to mention that he wasn't exactly neat when it came to his living space.

"Yeah, I know, I don't look like it, do I?" Jake agreed, as if he had been reading Cougar's thoughts. It was a rather disturbing ability he had picked up far too quickly. "I went into the army at eighteen. Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Jake shrugged casually while opening a couple of cabinets, either because he was actually looking for something or because he wanted to keep his hands occupied. It was difficult to determine which it might be.

"But you quit?"

Jake nodded, shooting Cougar a quick look. There was something in his eyes that Cougar couldn't quite pinpoint, but it didn't seem bad per se. Just slightly rueful.

"It turned out that it wasn't where I was supposed to be, you know? I liked it, I really did, but then I just... It felt like what I was looking for wasn't there after all." Jake pulled out two mugs from one of the cabinets and grimaced at whatever he found inside. He continued talking while rinsing them out. "Now I'm studying which, in case you didn't know, is fucking expensive. So I have like, two jobs – three sometimes when I'm lucky – but this piece of shit apartment is still the only one I can afford. I have some money saved from when I was in the army but it's for emergencies and-... well, other things."

The evasion had been clumsily executed but it wasn't any of Cougar's business what Jake did with his money, so he didn't push. But he suspected it might have to do with the photo of that smiling blonde woman and her child. Jake seemed like the kind of person who would help support his family if it was needed.

Cougar tried to deny that his chest warmed considerably at the thought.

"I'm studying to become an official computer programmer," Jake continued happily, throwing a quick glance towards Cougar, as if to check that he was still listening. Once Jake was done cleaning the mugs he moved to pull down a jar of instant coffee. "I say 'official' because apparently no one will hire you until you can show them a piece of paper that says that you are, even if you already are. Which I am, thank you very much. But for some reason they don't believe me when I say that."

Cougar felt a smile grow on his lips even if he tried to hold it back.

Jake was absolutely adorable.

"How old are you?" Cougar asked curiously.

He didn't usually feel a need to engage in conversation but with Jake it was just impossible not to. His enthusiasm was contagious and Cougar found himself wanting to learn more about the colorful, unusual enigma Jake posed. He seemed to be all over the place but without losing any of his vibrancy.

Jake intrigued him.

It was a dangerous road to travel considering what Cougar did for a living – he had learned that keeping a distance was always best, lest he wanted to complicate things both for himself and others – but some leniency was surely excused. Cougar wouldn't be staying for long anyway.

"Twenty-four," Jake replied, giving Cougar a slightly teasing look over his shoulder while he continued preparing their coffee. "What about you?"

"Thirty."

For possibly the first time in his life Cougar felt a little old. He tried not to read too much into why that was but he bet it had to do with pretty, blue eyes and infectious smiles.

"Then congratulations on your face, man, because I would never have guessed."

Cougar assumed that was a compliment but it was honestly a little difficult to tell.

So instead he chose to just gratefully accept the coffee cup Jake held out to him once he came shuffling over from the kitchenette. Cougar put the book on the table, next to his hat, before leaning back against the couch cushions.

"Sorry I don't have milk or sugar." Jake looked a tiny bit sheepish as he sat down next to Cougar, his fingers wrapping around the mug as if to soak in the warmth from it as efficiently as possible.

"It's fine." Cougar had definitely had worse.

Jake smiled at first, but when his gaze flickered to the side his expression changed, turning solemn. It wasn't until Jake cleared his throat, sounding terribly awkward compared to his previously easy confidence, that Cougar realized that he must have seen Cougar's gun on the coffee table.

"So... should I even ask?" Jake was looking down into his mug, as if the coffee was somehow going to offer the answers he wanted. "About why you got shot and who those men were, I mean."

Cougar had hoped that it wouldn't come to this but he couldn't exactly blame the kid for asking either. Jake had put his neck on the line and there were no guarantees that it wouldn't come back to haunt him later.

Cougar took a sip of coffee, mainly to give himself some time to decide what to answer. A part of him wanted to tell the truth but that was, in many ways, more dangerous than lying. Not to mention that Jake might hate him if Cougar explained the details about what he did for a living. Jake clearly wasn't stupid, no, but he probably had no idea just how bad Cougar was. Not yet.

Jake took a deep breath, sounding small and worried.

"At least tell me if I broke the law by helping you."

The stab of guilt Cougar felt was indescribable. Even if no one had ever caught Cougar long enough to press charges Jake was for all intents and purposes harboring a criminal. Cougar was a murderer. He shouldn't put Jake in that position; especially when he wasn't even aware of the risk he was taking.

"I should leave," Cougar heard himself say. It would be for the best.

His movements were stiff when he placed his mug on the cluttered coffee table but he didn't even have time to start getting to his feet before Jake grabbed his arm, keeping him in place.

"No! I didn't mean-..." Jake's eyes were wide with what looked like regret. "It doesn't bother me. Or, well, yes, it actually _does_ , but I didn't mean it like that. I just want to know, that's all."

Fucking _hell_ Jake's eyes were blue. Cougar couldn't stop staring into them.

"So you're a criminal?" Jake asked tentatively. "I mean, a lot of people can carry a gun but you're actually, uh... using it?"

Cougar sighed softly before nodding. He was still pretty certain that he should leave – for Jake's sake if nothing else – but the grip on his arm didn't loosen. If anything it tightened, as if Jake needed something to hold on to.

He shouldn't be telling Jake this. He should lie. But he wasn't sure if he could. Somehow lying seemed much worse than telling the truth, possibly because of the sincere and determined expression on Jake's face.

"Okay. But you're not actually wanted?"

"Not that I know of," Cougar replied truthfully. He had done a lot of bad things but no one had ever pinned it on him. It was a technicality though; he was still guilty.

The only way it could have been made worse was if he had actually felt proud over it. But he didn't, and hopefully never would.

Cougar might be good at what he did but he didn't enjoy it. The moment he found himself enjoying killing people was the day he would turn his gun on himself. It was a job like any other and by then he was in so deep that he wasn't even sure where the exit was anymore. Was it even possible to leave, considering the amount of enemies he had made over the years? What other job could he possibly imagine himself doing when he had practically no other experience than of this?

Cougar didn't know.

"I've killed people too." Jake's voice was low, his hand slipping from Cougar's arm in a movement so soft that it made Cougar shiver. Cougar hesitated to call the thing on Jake's face a smile. It looked more like a grimace. Jake placed his coffee mug on the table, next to Cougar's forgotten one. "I mean, I was in the army and it... it happens. You don't really realize it until you've already pulled the trigger. It's just noise and blurred movement and suddenly that person on the other end of the gun is dead. Just like that."

The silence was deafening. Cougar's heart was beating hard and loud, echoing in his ears.

"It was war and I tell myself that I did it for my country, you know? That it was necessary, or whatever. But afterwards you can't help wondering if..." Jake trailed off for a second, his gaze distant, before he seemed to find the words to finish the sentence. "Killing doesn't _feel_ necessary."

There was not even a hint of a smile on Jake's lips now. Cougar's chest tightened when he noticed how Jake rubbed his thumb over the knuckles of his other hand – continuously, as if trying to wipe something away.

"The people you kill... that's not necessary, is it?" Jake asked softly. His fingers clenched, knuckles sharp and white, putting an end to the desperate, repetitive motion. "You kill for profit."

It took a second before Cougar actually gathered enough courage to nod. _God_ , how he wished he didn't have to. He wished he could have denied it, or been a good enough person that Jake wouldn't even have to ask in the first place.

"I thought so..." Jake mumbled.

There was no judgment in his voice. If anything there was disappointment, and Cougar had no idea how horrible it would make him feel until he actually heard it.

For the first time in a long while Cougar felt sick with shame. He felt so incredibly ashamed about his life choices, and how he did nothing to get out of the situation he was in. Years had passed since he chose this career. He wasn't a broke, listless teenager anymore – he had other options.

Why was he still killing people for money when he didn't take any kind of pride in it? Was there any other reason for it than him being lazy and complacent?

So what if he was good at killing people? He had several other skills that were useful. He could find another job if he really wanted to – one that wasn't illegal and immoral to the point that Cougar wanted to lie about it, simply because he felt ashamed to have sunk so low. Maybe that would stop the nightmares. He could do better.

He _should_ do better.

But that would mean facing what he had become. That would require him to start sorting through the mess he had left in his wake and all the lives he had ended. He would have to take a long, hard look at himself and admit that he was already slipping; that he was becoming something to loath.

Maybe that was why he could barely stand to look himself in the mirror nowadays.

Cougar felt so fucking ashamed of himself.

"I'm not judging you, alright?" Jake said softly, voice low and tentative in a way that only made Cougar feel worse. "I mean, I'm not a perfect human being by any means and it's not my place to say how someone else should live their life. I don't know what you've been through to put you where you are now, but-... personally I don't like it. I don't think it's okay."

It was so incredibly confusing that Jake was obviously doing his best not to offend Cougar with what he was saying. Cougar killed people for a living, for heaven's sake. Jake had no reason to be polite about that. But he still tried. This amazingly weird and genuine kid was trying to make his disapproval clear but without actually being rude about it.

Cougar should definitely leave.

"I'm not kicking you out," Jake said, turning his head to look at Cougar for the first time in minutes. He wasn't smiling – not by a long shot – but he didn't look angry either.

Cougar wished that Jake would stop reading his thoughts.

"Those guys are probably still out there looking for you and I doubt they'll find you here. So I want you to stay and rest, alright? I think it's safer." Jake reached out for his coffee again, as if he had suddenly realized that he hadn't actually drunk from it. He made a tiny grimace after his first sip, before looking back at Cougar. "You need to focus on getting better."

"How do you do it?" Cougar blurted out, to his own horrified disbelief.

Cougar never blurted out _anything_. If he spoke it was because he had carefully considered his words before voicing them. He was usually much more gathered than this.

Then again, Jake seemed to have been made for the sole purpose of confusing Cougar. He had never met anyone quite so adept at making him feel out of balance.

"Do what?" Jake asked, somewhat bewildered.

"Accept it. Forgive." Cougar almost felt angry. For some insane reason he wasn't sure if he _wanted_ to be forgiven – not when he hadn't done a thing to deserve it.  
  
Jake smiled then; a sad, crooked thing.  
  
"Sometimes you just have to." Jake shrugged. He picked up again before Cougar had time to protest. "And I didn't say I forgive you. I'm not even sure if I accept it, to tell the truth, but I can prioritize, alright? Right now I'd rather see you safe and whole than argue about whatever it is you do for a living."  
  
That didn't make Cougar any less confused.  
  
"Why do you care?" He almost felt embarrassed by how dumbfounded he sounded. Cougar would have wanted to deliver it like an accusation – he hadn't asked for Jake's concern – but it landed closer to a confused plea.  
  
Jake actually took a couple of seconds to think about that before he answered, his expression strangely serene considering what they were discussing.  
  
"Because I bet you think that no one does."  
  
Cougar blinked. Actually blinked in surprise. That was not what he had expected and he had no idea how to react. He wasn't overly surprised when he found it just a tad bit difficult to breathe, however, and it had nothing to do with the bullet hole in his side.  
  
Jake continued effortlessly.  
  
"What you do isn't any of my business as long as you don't do it while you're here. I'd like to think that all people can change, at any point in their lives, so while you might have done horrible things in the past maybe – just maybe – you won't in the future. And I think that's worth a little effort on my part." The smile Jake gave him was tentative but also disorienting in its friendliness. "Condemning a life is one of the easiest things for us human beings to do, but saving one? Well, that's quite a challenge, isn't it?"  
  
"You want to save me?" Cougar couldn't help sounding a little insulted by the implication that he needed rescuing. He hadn't asked for it, even when he stood bleeding in that alley with men hunting him down. He didn't want to be pitied.  
  
Jake shook his head, however.  
  
"Nope. I just saved your life by not letting you bleed to death or get your head blown off. There's a subtle difference. Saving your eternal soul, karma, conscience – whatever you like to call it – that's on _you_ , not me." Jake took another slurp of coffee before shooting Cougar a brief grin. "I might take credit for making sure that you got a second chance, but what you do with it is entirely up to you."  
  
There wasn't much Cougar could say to that.  
  
Jake was clearly not trying to belittle him but Cougar still felt vaguely offended. Or perhaps that was the shame talking. Here he was, talking to a kid six years younger than him, who not only believed in second chances but felt that whatever good Cougar might still have in him was worth to risk his own life for.  
  
It was so startlingly innocent and selfless that Cougar had to push back his indignation, if only because it made him feel incredibly immature to be feeling it in the first place.  
  
Jake deserved better than Cougar's ire.  
  
"But, you know, while we're on the subject: I wouldn't mind if you showed your gratitude by paying for dinner. I could totally go for pizza right now," Jake drawled cheekily, clearly attempting to dispel the tension in the air.  
  
It worked surprisingly well.  
  
Maybe Cougar was in over his head. He had no idea who this kid was and why Cougar found himself struck dumb so many times while in Jake's presence, but the thing was that a part of him didn't mind. He couldn't remember the last time someone rattled him as completely and ruthlessly as Jake did. Cougar quite liked it. He liked Jake's presence in his life, however fleeting it might be. It was as if bursts of color were suddenly bleeding into his world and he hadn't even noticed that it had been nothing but black, white and muted grey up until that point.  
  
He knew that there were a lot of unspoken things between them but the question was if there was any use bringing them up. Cougar wouldn't be staying much longer. It might be slightly cowardly of him but Cougar would rather not discuss his past or profession if it meant that he could keep pretending that everything was fine. He didn't actually _want_ to argue with Jake.  
  
So he smiled instead, even if it might have been a tad bit forced.  
  
"Sure, I'll pay."  
  
"Sweet." Jake grinned but he kept his distance, sitting somewhat stiffly on his end of the couch.  
  
Both of them seemed keen to ignore that they were at odds, but it still showed in the little things. Cougar hoped it would pass. He had quite liked the carefree but surprisingly determined kid he had seen the night before. But he was in no position to put demands on Jake and how he decided to treat Cougar. It might actually be a good thing if Jake kept more to himself, since all that casual and seemingly instinctive touching Jake had been doing would undoubtedly have been a bit of a challenge to Cougar's self-restraint.  
  
The insanely blue eyes were quite enough, thank you very much.  
  
So for now Cougar let it be; listening instead to Jake as he started listing from where they could order their pizzas, depending on what they wanted. He would probably have drawn up a colorful chart with diagrams if Cougar had let him.  
  
Somehow that only seemed to make him all the more endearing in Cougar's eyes.

 


	2. The Recovery

 

* * *

 

They avoided the subject of Cougar and his profession for the rest of the evening. Jake dictatorially decided that they should watch a movie and Cougar saw no reason to object. He actually found it surprisingly comfortable to sit there on Jake's couch, eating home delivered pizza and listen to the running commentary he got of the movie. Jake knew a significant amount of trivia about pretty much everything, it seemed.

The evening progressed with ease and even Cougar – who rarely let his guard down – found himself relaxing against the couch cushions, smiling indulgently as Jake continued to babble.

After the movie ended Jake pulled out one of his laptops and with a genuinely apologetic smile explained that he had some school assignments he needed to finish; as if he was afraid that Cougar would feel insulted that he didn't give him his full attention. Cougar demonstratively lifted the book he was still reading and waved for Jake to go ahead.

Cougar would hate to be in the way of Jake's studying.

To his surprise Jake didn't take the laptop to his room but stayed on the couch with Cougar, occasionally throwing out random comments or asking where Cougar was in the book. It seemed like Jake couldn't quite stop being social even when he was supposed to study.

What didn't come as a surprise was how Jake started humming along with the music he was playing, then eventually singing a phrase here and there. It seemed like a reflex – something Jake wasn't even aware of doing – and while it was a tiny bit distracting Cougar could make do. The company was welcome, despite Cougar's lack of casual social interaction the last couple of years.

Jake had this weird ability of making most things Cougar had previously despised or deemed unnecessary seem interesting again. And he hadn't even known the kid a full day. That did not bode well for his future.

Cougar reminded himself that there probably wouldn't _be_ a future, not one with Jake in it anyway.

It didn't feel like it though, as he sat there reading with Jake beside him, who kept stealing his attention with a couple of innocent words or a nudge. Cougar had never met anyone who dared to touch him so casually. Most people read Cougar's body language and decided to keep their distance, but Jake was either disastrously bad at interpretation or didn't care about the conclusions he reached.

Cougar was willing to bet on the latter.

If he was to be honest Cougar felt just a tiny bit mesmerized by Jake. It could be because he shattered the dull monotony Cougar usually embraced, or how utterly unaffected he seemed by Cougar's silent demeanor. Jake just kept talking, heedless if Cougar answered or not, and didn't seem concerned by how most people found Cougar both unapproachable and scary. It was strangely effortless – and easy – being in Jake's presence.

The only small moment of hesitation came when it was time to change Cougar's bandage. Jake insisted on doing it but he was clearly tense, his fingers barely touching Cougar's skin when he peeled off the dressing. Cougar couldn't say if it was because of the thought of seeing the wound again or the reminder of how Cougar had gotten it, but Jake was clearly uncomfortable. Even more so than Cougar, who wasn't exactly used to showing himself vulnerable and letting other people take care of him.

Standing there shirtless in Jake's rather cramped bathroom felt decidedly awkward.

"I can do it myself," he offered gently, surprising himself by how careful he sounded.

Jake looked up, startled.

"What? No, it's fine." Jake's hands stilled however and thanks to the close proximity Cougar had no problem whatsoever to see how thickly Jake swallowed. He could probably even count Jake's eyelashes if he wanted to.

He refrained.

"Doesn't look like it," Cougar pointed out, once again softer than he usually would.

Jake let out a sharp, barking laugh that had hints of something vaguely self-depreciating.

"I'm just nervous," Jake mumbled, scratching his nose. "This was much easier when you were out cold. Now I feel like I'm going to fuck up as soon as I touch it, just because you're watching."

Cougar felt a bit at loss on what to do. Jake looked so terribly disheartened and it wasn't even a big issue, damnit.

"I can close my eyes," he suggested, pleased to find that it earned him a smile, just like he had hoped it would. It wasn't just a joke though; he would do it if it helped Jake focus.

Cougar was already getting soft on the kid.

God help him.

"Nah, it's okay," Jake assured, pushing his glasses higher on his nose. He seemed to have relaxed a fraction already, simply because of Cougar's easy response. "I'll manage. Hopefully without making it worse."

The grin Jake gave him was cheeky and Cougar rolled his eyes. He was secretly glad to see that Jake was more at ease however.

When Jake started up again, carefully examining the stitches and making sure the wound wasn't infected, he seemed a lot more confident. He was still careful and very considerate but his hands were stable and didn't seem to want to flinch away as soon as they happened to touch Cougar.

If anyone had to fight an impulse to move it was Cougar because however innocent the soft brushes of fingertips against his skin may be, it still sent delighted shivers down his spine. Having Jake touch him was quickly becoming addictive, which left Cougar feeling both annoyed and a bit giddy; the latter being an almost entirely foreign feeling to Cougar. He was usually calm and collected, but Jake seemed to completely negate that.

Cougar was so in over his head with this kid.

Just like the previous day Jake was up early the next morning getting ready for classes, but unlike last time Cougar didn't pretend to be asleep. That's not to say that he got up from the couch, but he returned Jake's sleepy wave with a slight smile. The truth was that Cougar was still feeling a bit unsteady on his feet and lying down helped, but it wasn't as if he would admit that out loud.

Jake didn't comment however and went about his business without really paying much attention to Cougar. Which of course meant that Cougar couldn't help letting his gaze follow Jake as he shuffled around the apartment, getting ready for his day. Jake seemed to forgo breakfast – something Cougar almost protested against until he realized that it was none of his business whether Jake ate or not – but prepared a travel mug of coffee that seemed to be vaguely the size of a bucket.

Once he was done packing his things Jake crouched down by the couch, so that he was more level with Cougar's face without him having to sit up. It felt weirdly intimate and not only because of the warm smile on Jake's lips.

"Feel free to eat whatever you find in the fridge and cabinets, but I recommend checking the expiration dates, just to be sure. If you want more books I have some in my room, and towels – if you want to shower – are in the furthest closet in there too." Jake braced his hand against the couch cushion to maintain his balance, placing it distractingly close to Cougar's face. "And you know where the bandages are. So you should be able to manage, yeah?"

Cougar was honestly a little baffled by the show of hospitality. It sounded as if Jake expected him to stay much longer than Cougar had ever planned or anticipated. A part of him had thought that Jake would want to see him gone as soon as possible, despite the talk of second chances. Cougar had clearly underestimated just how sincere Jake was and he didn't have the heart to toss all of that thoughtfulness away. So he nodded to show that he had understood the instructions.

Jake continued to smile and when he reached out it first looked as if he was aiming for Cougar's hair, but changed his mind before he actually got that far. He probably realized that it could be too invasive. Instead he patted Cougar's shoulder, not quite able to hide the slight nervous awkwardness to it. In all honesty Cougar couldn't say if he would have minded the more intimate touch or not. Usually he would but Jake's tactile behavior was sort of endearing and, as previously established, somewhat addicting.

"You make sure to rest, okay?" Jake withdrew his hand but didn't straighten. If anything he seemed to want to linger. "I'll be back around three."

Cougar smiled and nodded.

It struck him that all of this shouldn't come so naturally to him. He wasn't used to sharing his space with another person and he certainly wasn't used to soft, hushed conversations in the mornings. Over the years Cougar might have had a fair share of bed partners, but staying the night wasn't common practice and on the off-chance that it happened there were very few words to be had.

Not that he and Jake had shared a bed, but there was an unmistakable intimacy in the air. Jake's hair was still adorably tousled from sleep – his eyes brighter than usual in the morning light – and he was so close that Cougar could smell his shampoo and almost feel the warmth of his skin. There was a softness in Jake's eyes too; one that made something warm and burning coil in Cougar's gut. He got this insane urge to run his fingers through Jake's hair, and a part of him suspected that Jake would actually let him. Cougar clenched his hands to stave off the impulse.

"And feel free to use the TV if you want."

Now Jake was clearly stalling and as flattering as that was Cougar didn't actually want him to be late for class – not when he knew how important his education had to be. With it Jake would be able to get a better job and find a better apartment.

So he scoffed and pushed Jake's shoulder to make him move.

"Go," Cougar urged sternly, but it was mostly faked.

Jake laughed, catching Cougar's hand before he had time to pull it back. Jake's fingers were slightly colder than Cougar's; his grip gentle as he rested their entwined hands against his own shoulder. As if he wanted to hold on, just for a little while longer. Cougar's thumb ended up above the collar of Jake's t-shirt, brushing against warm, bare skin.

Cougar could almost feel the thrum of Jake's pulse against his fingertip.

It was the single most distracting thing Cougar had ever encountered in his entire life.

"I'm on my way, Coug. I just want to make sure that you're all set, alright?"

Cougar couldn't remember if anyone had ever given him a nickname out of fondness before – not since his parents, at least. That in itself would have been enough to leave him breathless and coupled with the way Jake's thumb ran over Cougar's knuckles – ever so softly – was all that was needed to get his heart racing just a tiny bit.

"I'll be fine," Cougar managed with some admitted difficulty.

Christ. He felt like a hormonal teenager who could barely keep his voice stable.

Jake didn't seem to notice. His grin was happy and fond and Cougar was frankly helpless in the face of such innocent sincerity.

"Good," Jake replied, squeezing Cougar's hand. "I'll see you later then."

Cougar could only nod mutely. The loss he felt when Jake let go of his hand was startling but he tried not to show how much it got to him. Just like he didn't do much besides offer a half-hearted wave when Jake said goodbye before stepping through the door.

How could someone be so affectionate with a complete stranger? Only yesterday Cougar had explained that he was a professional killer but that didn't seem to deter Jake in the slightest. He kept smiling at Cougar and acted as if it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be that close to each other. It was nerve wrecking just how much it affected Cougar.

Even more so it frightened him just how much he craved it.

Long after Jake's steps had faded Cougar found himself lying there on the couch, staring up at the cracked ceiling while willing his heart to stop beating so fast. He wasn't a teenager. Heck, he wasn't even in his twenties anymore. He shouldn't want it this much, not considering how unaccustomed he was to intimacy and affection. He shouldn't want _Jake_ this much.

But he did. Dear God, did he ever.

Cougar closed his eyes and reminded himself to keep breathing. For now that would have to be enough. He could deal with the rest later.

If there was one thing that could take Cougar's mind off of just how attached he was getting to the kid that had rescued him from almost certain death, it was Aisha. Cougar wasn't exactly eager to speak to her, but he saw the necessity considering how the job had gone two nights ago.

She was the one who had set it all up with the client, and had had enough details on Cougar's movements to sell it further if she wanted to make things difficult for him. Someone definitely had, otherwise Cougar wouldn't have been found so easily. In short, he needed to know whom she had given the information to and why.

He still had the temporary phone he had been using the past weeks so when he had eaten, showered and swallowed down some more painkillers he sat down on the couch and dialed the number Aisha had given him to _her_ temporary phone.

"Yes?" Her voice was bland and uninterested, as if she couldn't care less about whoever was calling her. Cougar, as always, decided to get to the point without further detours.

"You sold me out."

There was a brief silence on the other end and it was difficult to say if it was due to surprise, anger or disappointment – maybe all three. Aisha was tricky like that.

"Cougar," she acknowledged with a tinge of amusement. "And here I thought someone had finally managed to do you in. I guess I underestimated your resilience."

As flattering as her praise was – Aisha was not one to give compliments or admit to faults without a reason – Cougar was still slightly annoyed by the fact that she had tried to have him killed. Or at the very least revealed where he was to people who wanted to see him dead.

"I guess I'll have to try harder next time." She said it without remorse, and Cougar honestly hadn't expected anything else. "But don't flatter yourself. I didn't do it specifically to have you killed; it was just an unfortunate side-effect."

"Then why?" he asked calmly, knowing better than to take offense.

"Pure business. I needed intel for a high priority mission I'm putting together and in turn my contact wanted information on you, for some other client of hers. I figured you'd probably pull through even if I ratted on you and if you didn't, well, you wouldn't exactly be able to complain then, would you?"

Cougar rolled his eyes even if Aisha couldn't see it.

"Who wanted it?"

To his surprise Aisha replied without any kind of fuss. He had a hard time deciding what that could mean since he doubted that she was feeling guilty about the whole thing. It wasn't in their nature.

"Remember that job a year ago in Boston? Apparently the family of the man you killed didn't appreciate it. They're looking for revenge." She sounded bored, like she would much rather be doing something else. "If you want my opinion they're not going to be that big of an issue. The only reason they found you now was because of my intel, so they're clearly incompetent."

Cougar wasn't sure if he wanted her opinion but he could value the information all the same. And she had a point. Cougar was usually way too careful to get caught in this kind of situation. He would just have to make sure to listen to his paranoia next time.

"This is your fault," he pointed out, not wanting her to forget that fact.

"Quit whining. You managed just fine, didn't you?" Aisha seemed to know better than to ask where Cougar was now. He wouldn't answer anyway. "And from what I hear you actually got the target too."

He had, yes, but at the cost of the hole in his side. Not that he would ever tell Aisha that. Cougar wasn't foolish enough to reveal his weaknesses to her, not when he hadn't even gotten out of town yet. He was frankly a bit of an idiot for having stayed as long as he had, but he just didn't want to leave.

God, he was getting soft.

"You owe me," he said, eyes sliding over the cluttered mess on Jake's shelves. The itch to straighten things out was still there, but Cougar knew better than to submit to it.

"What for?" Aisha sounded annoyed now, her voice sharpening.

"Not coming after you."

"Oh please," she hissed, "stop being so overdramatic."

Cougar waited in silence, knowing that while he and Aisha might be evenly matched in many areas his patience was nigh unbeatable. He also knew that his silence would speak just as clearly as words.

Aisha was definitely dangerous but so was Cougar, and since they had never been pitted against each other before it was difficult to say what would happen if they were. She might have contacts and funds he didn't, but it wouldn't do her much good when he had more experience. Aisha couldn't be certain that she would come out on top if Cougar set his mind to hunting her down in revenge for selling him out.

That's not to say that he actually _wanted_ to. Vengeance was tiring and he had better things to do with his time. But Aisha didn't need to know that.

Cougar could practically hear her hesitation.

"Fine," she snapped eventually. "But I won't promise not to shoot you next time I see you."

"Likewise," he replied without missing a beat.

Her laugh was sharp but also strangely delighted. Cougar couldn't help grinning along with it. He and Aisha were acquaintances at best – both of them wise enough not to trust the other – but in a way she was probably the closest thing Cougar had to a friend. Which was rather depressing now that he thought about it.

"Ever the charmer," she drawled amusedly. "Now hang up. I'm waiting for an important phone call."

Cougar couldn't quite tell if it was a lie or not, but since he had already gotten what he wanted he saw no reason to protest. Not to mention that he wasn't very interested in conversing further.

"A pleasure, as always, _señorita_ ," he therefore replied, before promptly hanging up just like she had asked of him.

The fact that it meant that he got the final word, well, that was just a bonus.

Cougar knew that he was postponing the inevitable. He could try deluding himself but it would never change the fact that sooner or later he would have to leave Jake's apartment. Cougar couldn't stay. Partly because Jake had a life of his own that Cougar had no right to infringe on, but there wasn't actually much for Cougar _to do_ either. He would go nuts just sitting there.

For now his injury was a very good reason for not braving the outside world, but it wouldn't take long before he had to. Cougar didn't care all that much about the things he had left behind in his motel room – he never brought anything invaluable on jobs since he knew that he might have to abandon them anyway – but leeching off of Jake wouldn't be very polite. Cougar had no change of clothes and he would run out of cash sooner or later.

The problem was just that it felt like he couldn't return once he had stepped outside the door, even if it was just for a simple errand. He had already lingered longer than he should have and he would have a hard time justifying it once he was well enough to walk around without a hindrance.

He also knew that he _shouldn't_ stay, out of a safety viewpoint, no matter if Aisha deemed Cougar's pursuers as incompetent or not. Cougar himself could pose a threat to Jake, even if he sincerely hoped that he would never end up in a position where he might hurt him. Jake deserved better than that.

In the end the thing that made Cougar stay – no matter what arguments he might find for or against it – was because he wanted to. It was so rare for him to want something for himself and even rarer for it to include the company of another human being. So he indulged. There was no other word for it.

Jake obviously didn't mind. He actually seemed to thoroughly enjoy Cougar's company, and that in itself was a novelty. Cougar embraced it.

When Jake eventually came home, with a smile on his face and a spring in his step, Cougar found himself smiling back. He also answered Jake's questions about his day, even if he did so with very few words and without mentioning the call to Aisha. In turn Jake shared what he had been up to at school, peppered with various anecdotes that made Cougar's smile widen – and actually laugh on more than one occasion.

Then, completely on his own accord, Cougar told Jake what he thought about the book he had finished earlier that day, once again in rather concise and short terms. Jake didn't complain. He just seemed happy that Cougar was willing to share without having been coerced into doing it. If Cougar was to be honest he surprised himself, but at the same time it felt right. He _wanted_ to talk to Jake.

Cougar couldn't believe how much he enjoyed just _existing_ in Jake's presence. Everything felt brighter, more vibrant and simply _alive_. He hadn't even known what he was missing, and he couldn't seem to suppress the somewhat helpless, but affectionate, smile that remained on his lips most of that afternoon and evening.

Cougar let Jake's excited chatter wash over him while they cooked dinner, feeling utterly content and comfortable despite how little they knew about each other. For the first time since he was a child Cougar was at ease with another person in his personal space. There was not a single person other than Jake that Cougar would allow that close to him, fingers brushing against his arm and gentle little nudges making him move when he was in the way or Jake wanted attention – which was pretty much always. It was instinctive and intimate in a way that Cougar didn't _do_ , not even with people he slept with.

Jake seemed to revel in it. His smile was brilliant – almost blissful – and the happier he looked the more he talked. But every once in a while he fell silent and just stood there, motionless and calm, as if he needed to regain his bearings. That was usually when Cougar caught Jake looking at him, his expression dazed and something achingly warm in his eyes. If Cougar allowed himself to hope he would have say that it was longing, but he couldn't be sure.

He chose not to act on it, in a rather cowardly attempt to avoid embarrassing himself. Usually he wouldn't care – he was well versed in how to charm people he felt attracted to – but Jake was different. Jake was innocent and genuine, and probably unwilling to engage in such activities with someone whose chosen field of profession disgusted him.

So Cougar never pushed. Neither did Jake.

Despite the growing sexual frustration Cougar was experiencing it came as no surprise that time passed quickly in Jake's company. It would have been alarming if Cougar hadn't been so happy. There really was no other word to describe what he felt when staying with Jake.

He was happy.

He didn't mind that two days bled into three, four – a week. It was risky and unplanned but Cougar didn't want to leave. He could stand borrowing Jake's clothes even if they were weird and didn't fit all that well, if it meant that he could stay.

Cougar loved seeing Jake every morning and spend the evenings with him – the ones where Jake wasn't off working, that was. It was a privilege to see him smile and hear him laugh. Waking up was so easy when he knew that he would get to watch Jake stumble around the apartment in search for coffee, bumping into walls and cabinet doors with miserable whines. It reached the point where Cougar made sure to get up before him and have some ready, just to limit the potential harm Jake put himself in. The tiny, grateful noise – a curious mix between a whine and sigh – that Jake let out whenever Cougar was there, holding out a coffee cup to him, quickly became one of Cougar's absolute favorite sounds.

Jake was unbelievably adorable.

And, once asked, didn't actually mind that Cougar straightened up the place somewhat, as long as he didn't throw anything away without asking Jake first. Considering that Cougar was getting more and more restless the longer he remained inactive he welcomed the distraction. It was definitely not his job to pick up after Jake but he couldn't deny that it was an opportune moment to get to know more about him. A person's things said a lot about them, after all.

Cougar was forced to take it in sections spread over several days, partly because of the amount of junk that Jake owned – some he actually got rid of once Cougar had dug it out from under piles of other things – and partly because he was still healing from his gunshot wound. But it was mostly just a mild distraction at that point.

Jake still insisted that he should be permitted to look it over once in a while, just to make sure that there were no infections or complications. Cougar allowed it, but after a while he couldn't help wondering if Jake persisted not because he wanted to clinically assess the progress of Cougar's injury, but rather get an opportunity to see him shirtless.

Cougar had a healthy dose of self-confidence – he knew that he appealed to a great number of people but didn't assume that he was automatically entitled to attention because of it –, and as the days progressed it became somewhat impossible to categorize Jake's behavior as anything _but_ genuine interest. Fact was that Jake didn't even try to hide it.

He seemed to be as captivated by Cougar as Cougar was by him.

First of all Jake didn't throw him out, even after a week. Granted that Cougar made sure to pay for food and other expenses with the cash he had on him, but he was just a small step above squatting at that point. Second, Jake had allowed him to clean his apartment and didn't as much as grumble when Cougar made him eat regularly – something Cougar was fairly certain someone as juvenilely stubborn as Jake usually wouldn't accept. And third, he lingered close at every opportunity he got, always touching and asking curious questions, as if he just couldn't help the urge of wanting to get even closer.

And Cougar let him. He couldn't seem to be able to deny Jake anything.

The attraction he felt was beyond simple yearning by then, having evolved into some kind of half-masochistic pleasure where Cougar loved having Jake close but never allowed himself to take the final step. They were teetering on the edge and Cougar could feel the heat of it, in the flare under his skin and the rapid beat of his heart. Every single touch, no matter how innocent, only amped it up higher, but neither of them seemed prepared to take that one, final step.

They didn't touch in ways that were too obvious, but that didn't mean that what they were left with wasn't driving Cougar insane.

Jake always sat close on the couch and he had no restrains about tucking his feet under Cougar's thigh when he wanted to warm them. Jake also seemed incredibly fascinated by Cougar's hands and often claimed one of them – whichever was closest – whenever they watched a movie, but not to hold, oh no. What he did was to gently run his fingertips along Cougar's knuckles, the palm of his hand, played with ring or just tapped out a nonsensical pattern against Cougar's skin. It was infuriatingly distracting and yet Cougar never pulled his hand back. He just couldn't help liking the fact that it felt as if Jake was trying to map out every tiny dip and curve, committing it to memory.

It made Cougar feel important and maybe even a tad bit irreplaceable. For someone with his profession – where he was but a hazy outline among the shadows that could die without even being noticed – it was terribly flattering.

During Cougar's weaker moments, when Jake was sitting on one end of the couch with his course books open in his lap and feet warm against Cougar's leg, he wished he would never have to leave. He felt so at home there; as if he had finally found a place where he actually belonged. He wasn't sure how that was possible considering how different he and Jake were.

A part of him wished that he could tell Jake just how much he liked it there. Jake definitely deserved to hear it, but it would leave Cougar vulnerable. If he did he would have to reveal just how unsatisfied he was with his life, even if he had never even thought of it until he met Jake.

They still didn't discuss Cougar's way of making a living. Jake seemed perfectly fine with that and while Cougar knew that it was cowardly of him to avoid it he made no attempts to bring it up. He would have to eventually though, he knew that, because at some point he had to go back. As much as he loved Jake's company it couldn't last, at least not under these circumstances. There were still so many things Cougar had left to straighten out.

He had seriously started considering leaving the business but it was easier said than done.

For now Cougar decided to hide; from the people hunting him, but even more so than that from whatever responsibilities he might have. He lost himself willingly and wholeheartedly in the illusion he had built together with Jake, for however long it would last.

He prayed that it would never end.

Jake talked a lot about his family – or at least chosen parts of it. He loved his older sister and adored his niece, but never mentioned his parents. Cougar knew better than to ask, since he could tell that it was a subject that Jake wasn't comfortable discussing. There was history there – something must have happened to make someone as loving and affectionate as Jake unwilling to even mention the existence of his parents – but Cougar didn't push. It didn't concern him.

Instead he listened to Jake's stories about Jessica and Bethany, smiling indulgently all the while.

Jake never said where they lived or anything that could potentially put them in danger, and Cougar couldn't exactly begrudge him for being cautious. It didn't seem to be something against Cougar personally, but rather a way for Jake to make sure that they would be safe. Cougar had no idea why Jake would have to go to such lengths – normal people usually didn't – but maybe it had to do with the parents. Or just general paranoia. Cougar was definitely not the person to judge Jake for _that_.

Either way he loved listening to those stories, not only because of how Jake's entire countenance lit up as soon as he talked about Jess and Beth, but because it somehow made Cougar calmer to hear that there were people out in the world who were decent and normal.

After a while it almost felt like he knew Jess and Beth too, simply thanks to Jake's enthusiasm. Deep down though Cougar knew that he would probably never get to meet them.

He told himself he didn't feel disappointed about that.

They were in the middle of preparing dinner when the steadily growing sexual tension between them finally tipped over. It had been there for days, not helped at all by the looks Jake gave Cougar, which grew increasingly bold and challenging as the days progressed; as if daring Cougar to act on the simmering attraction. So it had, in all honesty, only been a matter of time.

Cougar might be in possession of a great deal of self-restraint but he was only human.

It was like any other evening they had spent together making dinner. Jake was grinning, bumping into Cougar at every given opportunity, teasing and testing him like it was his sworn duty to do so.

Sometimes Cougar was pretty certain that it was.

Not that Cougar was actually complaining. He liked the closeness and attention, welcoming it with a crooked smile and a sense of belonging in his chest.

He had been staying with Jake for ten days by then and as much as he was beginning to feel restless it was mostly due to inactivity and occasional flashes of boredom, not a need to leave. He was starting to realize that he probably wouldn't leave, unless it proved that he was an inconvenience or he ran out of money. And the latter wasn't really a problem if he could access his bank accounts somehow. But that was a question for later.

Jake was prattling on like usual, somehow remaining in constant motion even when he was busy stirring the pasta sauce. Cougar listened patiently while chopping the tomatoes, a fond smile playing on his lips. He would probably never grow tired of listening to Jake spreading his seemingly limitless knowledge, even if Cougar could admit that he didn't always manage to follow what was being said. Jake's enthusiasm alone was enough to make Cougar smile and it was comfortable to stand there in Jake's kitchenette, pretending that he belonged.

For now that was everything Cougar could ask for, so he blew a lock of hair out his eyes and continued to chop the tomatoes.

Jake's soft laugh made him look up, quizzically raising an eyebrow.

"You know, if it wasn't for the fact that I love it just the way it is I'd suggest you cut your hair. That's the third time you do that." Jake grinned before pushing off from the counter he was half leaning against. "Luckily enough for you I have just the thing."

Cougar gave him a dubious look but didn't reply, figuring that Jake would reveal the answer to him soon enough. It came in the shape of a triumphant Jake emerging from the bathroom with a bright pink hair tie in his hand and an unmistakably pleased grin.

"It's Beth's," Jake explained, probably not because of the color – Cougar was willing to bet that Jake liked pink just as much as his niece did – but the fact that Jake's hair was too short for him to need a hair tie. "I think it must have slipped into my bag when I visited last time. I don't think she'll mind if you borrow it."

Cougar didn't protest. Jake looked like he half expected Cougar to do so; as if he seriously thought that Cougar's manliness would be threatened by a pink hair tie.

When Jake held it out to him Cougar looked around for a kitchen towel to wipe his hands on, but he didn't actually get that far before Jake interrupted him.

"Oh, no need. I'm used to helping Beth – I can do it," he offered with a casual shrug.

Before Cougar had time to reply Jake stepped up behind him and started gathering Cougar's hair with deft hands. The sensation of having Jake's long fingers run through his hair was not something Cougar had been prepared for. It caused a shiver down his spine and before he knew it his eyelids fluttered and closed, completely on their own volition.

It was hypnotic to have someone else's fingers comb through his hair, and Cougar found himself enjoying it a lot more than he thought he would; only made worse by how careful Jake was. His movements were unhurried but efficient, mindful not to snag on any possible tangles or wayward strands of hair. The touch was gentle and surprisingly intimate, causing a stir of emotions deep inside Cougar's chest.

It felt heavenly.

"There we go," Jake said cheerfully, once he had and fastened Cougar's hair in a small ponytail.

Cougar blinked his eyes open and gave himself a second to breathe before he looked over his shoulder at Jake. He was rewarded with an affectionate smile. And when Jake reached out, fastening one or two errant strands of hair behind Cougar's ear – just a soft, whispering brush of fingers against his skin – the urge to lean into the touch was overwhelming.

He didn't, but it was a near thing.

His heart was beating loudly in his chest in response to the much wanted closeness, and while he wasn't exactly nervous he could still feel a slight tremble to his breaths. Jake wasn't fairing any better and cleared his throat a little awkwardly, but didn't pull his hand away. It lingered there, hovering indecisively.

If Cougar didn't know better he would say that Jake was blushing.

Cougar was grateful that he wasn't the only one affected by this and not for the first time he asked himself why they kept dancing around the issue. Jake clearly wasn't unwilling – whatever hindrance Cougar's profession might pose it didn't seem to matter enough for it to be a turn off. So what other obstacles were there, except the hesitation they both seemed to feel at the thought of being the one to breech that final distance?

Cougar had no answer.

But he could feel it giving way. They had been effortlessly tactile with each other for days, slowly but surely breaking down the few barriers that were still lingering between them. It wasn't until Cougar looked into Jake's eyes that he realized that perhaps it was time to embrace it, before they missed their chance entirely.

Jake seemed to come to the same conclusion.

Cougar could feel Jake's fingers brush against his ear, then slowly – _agonizingly_ – down along his neck, reverently tracing bare skin. The slightly conflicted but intense yearning in Jake's gaze sent a sizzle of want rushing through Cougar's body; like an electric shock. For a breathless, lingering moment they stood balancing on the edge, the tension so thick in the air that Cougar had a hard time breathing around it. Or maybe it was the need to finally succumb that left his lungs feeling too small and throat too tight. It was right there, under his skin, spreading through his veins with an alarming speed.

God, he wanted this.

Cougar was done being patient and denying himself something he could clearly have, if he just took the chance.

Decision made Cougar turned to face Jake, reaching up and letting his hand slip behind Jake's neck. Cougar didn't need to pull; there was no resistance. Jake moved seamlessly to meet him, both of them stepping closer at the same time. The resulting kiss was bordering on rough thanks to the urgency they were both feeling, deepening so quickly that it almost made Cougar's head spin.

The feel of Jake's lips against his and the taste of him on Cougar's tongue was just as amazing as he thought it would be. Cougar wasn't new to this – far from it – but it still felt remarkably different. The slight burn under his skin and the squeeze in his gut blossomed so much faster than usual and he had to hold back a shiver. The sheer intensity of it all was mind-blowing.

It was almost too much to go from their intricate, well-choreographed dance of denial to actually get an outlet for all of that pent-up tension, but it didn't seem to make either of them pause. Jake threw himself into the kiss with exactly the kind of heedless enthusiasm that Cougar had expected, and it was honestly a slight struggle to curb and morph it into something more manageable.

In the end he stopped trying, deciding to just ride it out instead. Jake wasn't forceful exactly but he was intense – and just as strong as he looked. Cougar found it surprisingly liberating to give as good as he got. It wasn't like he usually held back but it was abundantly clear that he didn't have to worry about that now; Jake would respond in kind.

It was a rush to feel Jake push him back against the kitchen counter and Cougar had just enough presence of mind to reach out and fumblingly turn off the stove before focusing back on the kiss. Jake's fingers were tangling into Cougar's hair, almost loosening the hair tie he so carefully had fastened.

Neither of them seemed to care.

Jake moaned against Cougar's lips, crowding so close that Cougar could feel the kitchen counter dig in at the small of his back. But that was secondary to the feel of Jake's warm, firm body pressed up against him, the fluency of the kiss stuttering somewhat when Jake rolled his hips, causing delicious friction between them. The gasping, keening sound Jake let out went straight to Cougar's core and he couldn't help nipping at Jake's lips while his hands wandered, finding their way in under Jake's brightly colored t-shirt. Jake moved with it – didn't stop for a second – and made another one of those sensuous rolls of his hips.

A small part of Cougar knew that this might be going a bit too fast, but he trusted that Jake knew what he was doing and wouldn't regret it later. If anyone had doubts it would be Jake, but he seemed just as eager as Cougar; the kiss deep and searing, leaving Cougar just a tad bit breathless.

If Cougar was to be honest, he didn't actually _want_ to stop.

Jake's skin was warm and smooth under Cougar's hands, his fingers exploring the planes and curves he found. Jake was glorious. Cougar had seen hints of it over the past couple of days but it was a different matter entirely to actually get to touch the well-defined muscles hiding under those dorky t-shirts. It was almost as if Jake consciously tried to play down his strength by broadcasting his whimsical personality, making people mistake him for a frail geek rather than the surprisingly competent guy he was. Even Cougar had fallen for the ruse – but he knew better now.

Jake wasn't weak. He might be sweet and genuinely kind in a way Cougar wasn't entirely used to, but it would be a mistake to think that he couldn't take care of himself. He probably had a couple of secrets locked away, just like Cougar.

It didn't take more than a small nudge for Jake to comply and tug his t-shirt off altogether, causing a brief pause in their kissing. It didn't last for long though. The second Jake had tossed his shirt aside he reached out again, his hands framing Cougar's face and pulling him in for another kiss. There was something unmistakably desperate to the way Jake was grinding against Cougar, and the breathless little moan he let out against Cougar's lips was deliciously needy. Cougar cherished that sound and how it fuelled the warm, tight ball of want inside of him.

Jake kissed like he couldn't get enough; as if he didn't want to miss the sensations burning through them both, and chased after them with a single-mindedness that bordered on an obsession. For at least this moment Jake was Cougar's entirely. Jake – with his usually over-excited flailing and fractured thought patterns – seemed barely aware of anything except Cougar and the shared heat between them.

It was humbling and thrilling, both at the same time.

Cougar's hands roved over Jake's bare skin, delighted to feel how his touch made Jake shiver. The kiss was deep and fervent, and while their movements were rushed – spurred on by their overflowing hunger – they didn't seem to mind. Fact was that Cougar wasn't sure if he had ever felt as engaged and eager as he did in that moment. Every little sound Jake gave was like a revelation. The heat of his skin burning against Cougar's palms had his mind reeling, and the way Jake moved – the smooth arching of his back and the rolls of his hips – was enough to drive Cougar wild.

He didn't usually do wild.

Passionate and undeniably intense, yes, but with Jake he barely knew how to pace himself. He wanted everything and he what little patience he had once had was diminishing rapidly for each one of those whimpering moans.

He angled his head to give Jake more room when the almost frantic kiss ended and Jake latched on to Cougar's neck instead. Lips offering hot kisses and teasing nips wandered across Cougar's skin, Jake's breath warming it even further. The hands that wandered in under Cougar's borrowed t-shirt seemed to tremble from urgency. Cougar couldn't help but shiver, letting out a quiet, breathless moan next to Jake's ear.

If Cougar had known just how much that sound would affect Jake he would have made it a lot sooner.

Jake's fingers fumbled with the button and zipper on Cougar's jeans, his eagerness apparently making him just a tad bit uncoordinated. There was nothing uncoordinated with how he kissed Cougar's however; deep and unrelenting. Practically ravenous. Nor in the way he sank fluidly to his knees, finally having gotten Cougar's pants open.

The look he gave Cougar – dark and sultry, through those thick, long lashes of his – was almost enough to make Cougar suck in a sharp breath. Jesus, the look in his eyes. There was nothing innocent or hesitant about it and the smile – no, _smirk_ – on Jake's lips made heat sizzle through Cougar's veins.

Cougar would be willing to follow Jake to hell and back, just for that look and smile.

And when Jake parted Cougar's pants and pulled down his underwear enough to take him in hand Cougar couldn't help sucking in that sharp breath after all. Jake's nimble fingers stroked him confidently, only adding to the pooling pleasure in Cougar's gut. The expression on Jake's face was coy and teasing, but in possibly the best way Cougar had ever experienced.

A pair of eyes shouldn't be allowed to be that blue.

When Jake introduced his lips and tongue to the situation Cougar had to grip the edge of the kitchen counter to maintain at least some semblance of stability. He had definitely gotten blowjobs before but none of them had felt quite like this. Perhaps because it was Jake – someone he couldn't deny that he held incredibly dear –, or because Cougar was, in general, far more content than he had been in years. Either way it felt different. Better.

Cougar tried to be mindful and not shift his hips too much, but Jake seemed entirely unconcerned. He took to the task with the same kind of enthusiasm that he did everything else, which only served to make Cougar deteriorate quicker. Jake knew exactly what to do with his mouth and tongue, that was for sure. It didn't take long at all before Cougar was breathing mostly through gasping pants – much louder than he would usually allow himself to be – and Jake seemed determined to elicit even more delectable sounds.

Cougar decided not to deny Jake that. He wasn't sure if he would be able to anyway; not with how Jake was swallowing him down with a delighted hum vibrating in his throat. It sent a thrill shooting along Cougar's spine, setting his nerve endings alight. So Cougar let out the moan he normally wouldn't let his partners hear, not surprised to feel Jake shiver in response.

Jake's pupils were blown wide when he looked up at Cougar, glasses askew, and the sight of him, there on his knees in front of Cougar, completely took Cougar's breath away. His fingers wandered into Jake's hair on their own accord, the soft, blond strands tickling against his palm. Jake practically purred in pleasure as he closed his eyes, long lashes fanning against his cheeks.

Cougar was enthralled.

Every little movement Jake made – each flick of his tongue and how his hands slid along Cougar's clothed thighs – spoke of an eagerness to please that was downright addicting. But it couldn't quite hide the obvious yearning for closeness that was just a tiny bit heartbreaking. Jake enjoyed what he was doing – no question about it – but probably wouldn't have with a less considerate partner.

Jake wanted praise and affection, and Cougar would never hesitate to give it.

His fingers wandered through Jake's hair, blunt nails scratching gently against his scalp. Jake moaned, the vibration transferring to Cougar in the best way possible, causing his breath to hitch. It took him a second before he even realized that a couple of reverent, trembling words had slipped past his lips, but since he didn't know if Jake understood Spanish he didn't repeat them. Jake seemed to understand the sentiment all the same, judging on how he doubled his efforts.

Cougar could barely breathe around the moan that tore from him.

Cougar was helplessly at Jake's mercy, swept up by the need coiling in the bottom of his stomach and the pleasure burning through his veins. He was aware of nothing but Jake and the way his warm mouth enveloped Cougar so eagerly. Cougar could feel his own loud heartbeats, echoing in his ears together with his increasingly harsh pants. The ecstasy was gathering, white hot and pulsing, and Cougar knew he wouldn't last much longer.

He couldn't look away from Jake. Cougar had never before been as captivated by a person as he was by this weird, spastic kid. Jake was brilliant – bright, free and so incredibly precious – and Cougar felt so lucky to be a part of his life, however fleeting. Right in this moment he was Jake's whole world. Nothing else mattered but the two of them.

For a moment Cougar belonged.

That thought was enough to push Cougar to teeter on the edge, his breath catching as the pleasure surged through him.

"Jake..." He couldn't manage more than a warning groan.

Jake's only response was to wrap his lips more firmly around Cougar and look up. The blaze in his eyes, mingling with yearning, affection and a surprising tinge of tenderness, was all it took.

Cougar was lost.

He came with a soft gasp, heart in his throat and entire body trembling.

Cougar had almost forgotten just how good it felt to succumb to the bliss, and it took a couple of seconds before he was able to inhale properly. The aftershocks made it difficult to maintain vital bodily functions such as breathing; much less thinking. Cougar looked down when Jake pulled back, their gazes locking, and didn't miss how Jake's throat bobbed as he swallowed. There was nothing submissive about it – oh no –, if anything it was a challenge, offered with salacious glint in Jake's eyes.

Jesus.

Cougar was probably going to hell for finding that hot, but he was too far gone to care.

Instead he cradled Jake's face between his hands and nudged gently to make him rise. Jake did so with a happy grin on his face; as if he was absolutely thrilled to be the one to have given Cougar this. As if he couldn't think of a single thing he would rather be doing.

Cougar felt his heart swell and he knew that he was almost unnecessarily gentle when he pulled Jake in for a kiss. It was soft and sweet – so unlike all the other kisses they had shared – but Jake didn't seem put off. It actually seemed as if he enjoyed this kiss even more than the heated, urgent ones. He let out a tiny little whimper against Cougar's lips, his fingers curling around the edge of Cougar's shirt and hanging on with an almost childish desperation.

Cougar decided, then and there, that he was going to cherish Jake for however long he got to keep him. He would make sure that Jake knew just how treasured he was. Jake deserved it. Jake didn't seem to understand how amazing and lovable he was, and while Cougar might not actually be in a position where he _could_ love Jake, it didn't mean that he didn't want to.

As foolish as it was he was pretty sure that he already did.

So when Cougar pulled back from the kiss he made sure to smile, his thumbs running over Jake's cheeks and brushing against his cheekbones.

"Dinner can wait," he murmured, well aware of Jake's hardness pressing against him.

The grin on Jake's face was mischievous and excited – like a kid on Christmas morning – eyes bright and hopeful.

"Yeah?"

Cougar nodded before kissing Jake again, deeper this time, tasting himself on Jake's tongue. He didn't even bother to end the kiss before he started pulling Jake towards the only bedroom in the small apartment, knowing that Jake would follow. He seemed transfixed, stumbling just a little as he tried to keep up, probably painfully aroused by then. But Cougar had no intention of getting him off quickly. He would take his time and make sure that Jake felt it in every single part of his being. Cougar had the skills and he definitely had the patience.

He was going to show Jake was it felt like to be worshipped.

It wasn't until much later, when Jake was nothing more than a trembling, sated heap next to Cougar, his face hidden against Cougar's shoulder and breathing slowly evening out, that Cougar realized that he might have made a mistake. Not intentionally or with anything ill in mind, but a mistake none the less. Because as he wrapped his arms around Jake, feeling his breath fan against Cougar's skin and the solid warmth of Jake's firm, naked body, Cougar wasn't sure how he was supposed to be able to let him go.

He wasn't sure what kind of price Jake would have to pay if he did.

Jake was curled up against him, desperately searching for closeness and affection, and while Cougar knew that he could give it – at least for the time being – he wasn't sure for how long. And he wasn't sure how Jake would react if Cougar took all of it away again.

He didn't want to know.

And despite how he tried to ignore it, focusing on the grounding presence of Jake next to him, he knew that he would find out sooner or later.

Cougar closed his eyes, buried his face in Jake's hair and inhaled. Jake was drifting off to sleep, his body relaxing in Cougar's arms, loose and trusting. Cougar's heart clenched and he had to struggle against the sudden tightness in his throat.

One way or another he was going to hurt Jake. He was going to hurt this glorious, beautiful being in his arms and Cougar had no idea how to stop it.

For the first time in over fifteen years Cougar felt like crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the QUEEN of luring people into a false sense of security. Like, yeah, you're totally going to get sex and hotness and adorableness, but then I'll turn around and just slam you with angst instead. You gotta admit, that 180 I did there at the end of the chapter was pretty fucking painful and also kinda unexpected.
> 
> Anyways. Yes. Sex scene. I don't do those very often. They still make me nervous, but I try my best. And I probably shouldn't enjoy two murderers talking as much as I did, but that phone call between Cougar and Aisha was incredibly fun to write.
> 
> Also, there's a rather blatant nod to Runaway in this chapter - let's call it one of Runaway's catchphrases - just in case you happen to spot it ;)


	3. The Rebirth

 

* * *

 

Living with Jake became, if possible, even better after that. Cougar hadn't known that Jake had actually been holding back before, but it turned out that he must have. Jake was insatiable. He wanted kisses and touches pretty much all the time. And sex. Jake was very enthusiastic about sex. It was as if he needed all the touching to ground himself. If it hadn't been for the blissful smile on Jake's face Cougar might have thought that it was born from desperation or insecurity, but no, Jake just didn't seem able to keep his hands to himself.

So while it was a slight inconvenience, purely due to logistical reasons and the effects it had on Cougar's sleep schedule, – not to mention his libido when Jake _wasn't_ around – Cougar indulged him.

How could he not? Cougar wanted it too.

He hadn't thought that he would since he wasn't a very physical person to begin with, but with Jake it was different. Cougar wanted to do everything he could to make Jake happy and craved the closeness just as much as Jake did. He craved the happiness.

It seemed natural for Cougar to start sleeping in Jake's bed. And more often than not they spent their evenings sprawled on top of the other on the couch. And couldn't quite seem to make it through cooking a meal without stopping at least three times, too busy kissing to do anything else.

Cougar loved it. Not in a million years would he have thought that he would get to have something like this. That he would feel so content. Jake gave him things and made him feel things that Cougar hadn't even known he was capable of wanting or feeling. Every single kiss they shared made his chest swell and every morning, when he woke up with Jake snuggled up close, he was grateful for what he had. Those mornings, when Cougar found himself tracing Jake's features with soft, wondrous touches, he prayed that he would get to keep it for as long as possible.

He couldn't believe how lucky he was.

And the look in Jake's eyes when he woke – slightly groggy and dorky, but oh so delighted – was enough to make Cougar fall all over again. Cougar was so happy it _hurt_. He allowed himself to believe that it could work, simply because he so desperately wanted it to.

And it probably would work too, if only he made some changes in his life. He wasn't opposed to it anymore – what he and Jake had was worth it – but it would require leaving. He couldn't fix it from where he was now. He couldn't guarantee that no one would come after him eventually, unless he took care of his business first.

He wasn't sure how to breach the subject with Jake, however. He wasn't sure how to explain that he wanted to stay, desperately, but in order to do so he would have to leave first. And he couldn't guarantee when he would be back, if ever. There were still people out there trying to kill him.

He still had so many secrets.

Cougar was so caught up in his own thoughts that he kind of forgot that Jake had secrets too. Although calling them secrets was slightly misleading. Cougar had no doubt that there were _a lot_ of things about Jake that he didn't know. Neither of them talked about their past to any greater extent and it seemed to be the way they liked it. That, however, didn't mean that he couldn't be surprised by the things he actually _did_ find out.

To say that Jake had hidden depths would be a severe understatement.

Like the evening Jake stiffened next to him on the couch, his gaze riveted to the TV despite having been deeply engrossed in something on his computer just seconds ago. And it wasn't some obscure documentary or TV-show that had caught his attention, but the news reels.

That was unexpected, even for Jake.

Cougar frowned as he watched the report, trying to figure out just what made Jake react the way he had. As horrifying as it was – a group of twenty-five children dying alongside American soldiers during a covert military operation in Bolivia that ended in a helicopter crash – Cougar wasn't quite sure how it related to Jake. Before Cougar had time to ask Jake was back to staring at his computer screen, but this time his expression was completely different. Instead of an almost lazy nonchalance he looked focused – relentless – in a way that was mildly unsettling to see on someone as carefree and whimsical as Jake.

Only made worse when Cougar saw what Jake was up to.

"What are you doing?" It was a stupid question because Cougar could see it clearly from where he was sitting, and he was fairly certain that no matter what methods Jake had used to get to the digital archive he was now browsing through it was sure to be illegal.

The American military were usually picky about such things.

"I just-... I need to know-" Jake fell silent before finishing the sentence, his face turning pale. " _Fuck_!"

Jake placed his hands over his face and seemed to be holding his breath – or something else he didn't want to let out. Cougar was understandably alarmed.

"What?" he asked, dreading the answer but not willing to just watch Jake crumble before him without doing something about it.

"I knew them." It was muffled behind Jake's hands and when he lowered them he looked five years older, his lips pressed tightly together and eyes suspiciously glassy. "The soldiers. I was supposed to join their team."

It took a second for Cougar to catch up and when he did there was one thing in particular that stuck with him.

"You were Special Forces?"

"I-... no. I was going to be but I dropped out of the training program. If I hadn't I would have been with them." Jake gestured towards the TV. Cougar felt a sting of relief knowing that Jake wasn't; however inconsiderate it might be towards the soldiers who _had_ died.

"Fuck." Jake ran his hands through his hair before he slammed his laptop lid shut and almost shoved it onto the coffee table. "I just-... I need to..." Jake made some kind of abortive hand movement before he got to his feet and disappeared into this room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Cougar was left sitting on the couch, not knowing what to do. He felt bad for Jake – it was always a shock to hear about the deaths of people you knew – but more than anything he couldn't help thinking that he had underestimated the kid's capabilities.

You weren't allowed into the Special Forces training unless you showed a great deal of promise, and Jake had been close enough to finishing it that he had had a covert ops team waiting for him. Suddenly Jake didn't seem so innocent and defenseless anymore. Fact was that there were probably a lot of things that Jake could do that Cougar couldn't, simply on accounts of his professional training.

It was startling to realize that someone Cougar had thought was all goofy smiles and nonsensical babbling could have been a career military officer – and probably a very skilled one at that. Not to mention that he had hacked into confidential military files without even getting up from the couch.

Jake was probably every bit as deadly as Cougar, he just chose not to flaunt it.

That thought was enough to leave Cougar reeling.

It was clear that Jake didn't want to talk about the dead soldiers and children again. Cougar didn't push. Nor did he say anything when Jake avoided the news the following days. It was clearly none of Cougar's business. As close as they had become there were still things that were too private to share.

But if Jake was a little bit quieter than usual, held Cougar's hand on random occasions and never seemed to get enough of sneaking up behind him and burying his face against Cougar's neck without a word, well, Cougar let him. Everyone grieved in their own way and as long as he was able to offer Jake some kind of comfort Cougar had no reason to complain. He wanted to help.

Not to mention that it was actually rather nice to feel wanted and useful for something other than how well he could handle a gun.

Before either of them knew it two weeks had passed since Cougar first arrived. In those fourteen days he hadn't left the apartment once. And while that definitely made him restless and a tiny bit agitated since he despised being cooped up, he still endured it. Because of Jake. It wasn't even that difficult when he knew that he would get to see Jake every day.

The apartment was almost tidy by then – or at the very least organized – since Cougar had made Jake buy labelled boxes to store his tools and gadgets in, rather than just piling them up on the nearby shelves and tables. Jake didn't seem to mind. He found his things just as easily as he did without it. The difference was that the place didn't look like a disaster area, which Cougar appreciated.

Jake also seemed to have developed a healthier eating and sleeping schedule. The latter occurring mostly because he wanted to cuddle with Cougar, which required that he went to bed at the same time as him. It was very flattering and Cougar was surprisingly okay with having a warm body next to him while he slept, even if he shouldn't have been. He wasn't used to it. If anything it should have made him feel nervous and threatened, but Jake's strong arm slung over Cougar's middle and the sound of his soft snoring was actually soothing rather than annoying.

Cougar's bullet wound was practically healed by then – to the extent that he wasn't overly concerned about it, at least – and while he was officially out of money in another day or two he still clung to the hope that he could solve that somehow. But really, he knew it was impossible to hide forever.

That didn't make it any easier to accept it when Aisha called and let him know that he couldn't.

Jake seemed confused when an unfamiliar ringtone started playing, looking around as if to pinpoint where it was coming from. Cougar hadn't exactly taken a lot of calls since he got there, fifteen days ago.

A part of him wanted to get up from the couch and head for the bedroom – or even the bathroom, if he had to – since he knew who had to be calling. He didn't want to speak to Aisha in front of Jake. But at the same time he knew that would look bad.

Not to mention that Jake was lying half on top of him and he didn't have the heart to push him off.

It took some work but he was able to fish out his phone from his pocket, ignoring the surprised look on Jake's face when he accepted the call after having glanced at the number, confirming that it was indeed Aisha.

She didn't even wait for him to reply.

"Tell me you're not still hanging around."

For a brief, terrifying second Cougar thought that she knew about Jake. His arm, wrapped loosely around Jake's shoulders where he lay with his head pillowed on Cougar's chest, tightened reflexively.

"What?" he asked, voice curt. Jake was giving him a puzzled look, his eyes wide and so incredibly blue. Cougar turned his gaze away.

"You've left town, right? Because if you haven't you better make sure to." Aisha didn't sound concerned exactly; more annoyed if anything.

Cougar closed his eyes and sighed, trying to push down the growing dread in his chest. He didn't want to leave. It made him feel cold and hollow just thinking about it.

"Why?"

"Because they seem to think that you're still there and they're bringing in enough people to smoke you out if you are." There was a brief, thoughtful silence. "You're not, are you?"

Cougar knew that he could lie – it was none of Aisha's business – but at the same time he was too tired to bother. He was getting sick of always running and looking over his shoulder. It might not have occurred to him until he met Jake, but he didn't actually enjoy what he was doing with his life.

"Not for long," Cougar replied, words clipped. Because he knew he had to leave now.

Not only was he out of money but if someone decided to search in earnest they might actually find him. Or Jake. God, they wouldn't care what they did to Jake, as long as it got them Cougar.

He wouldn't be able to live with himself if they hurt Jake.

Cougar wasn't sure if Jake could hear both sides of the conversation but he was getting stiffer by the second. Perhaps because he could read Cougar well enough to know that something was up. Something neither of them would like.

"Damnit, Cougar! Why the hell are you still there? What could possibly be worth risking your life-"

"You still owe me," Cougar interrupted, knowing all too well that this was Aisha trying to repay the favor she owed him, without having to put too much work into it. But it wasn't nearly good enough to make up for her having sold him out.

"Oh come on," she snapped, clearly agitated, "don't be such an ass."

"Thanks for warning me." Cougar didn't even bother to listen to Aisha's reply before he hung up. He wasn't in the mood to have that discussion with her – not when Jake was studiously avoiding looking at him and slowly sitting up on the couch. Distancing himself.

The silence that settled between them was heavy and uncomfortable. It wasn't helped in the least by how Jake shifted, until they were barely even touching. His spine was stiff and Cougar couldn't quite read the look on his face. It was unsettlingly blank.

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question.

Cougar took a deep breath, forcing himself not to rub a hand over his eyes.

"I have to."

Jake nodded slowly, but it seemed to be a reflex more than anything. He was staring down at his own hands, loosely clasped in his lap. Cougar had no idea what thoughts were running through Jake's head, and he tried desperately to figure out what to say; how to make it better.

"Yeah. I guess it was just..." Jake gestured a little weakly, still not looking at Cougar. When he eventually finished the sentence his voice was low and achingly soft. "Just a matter of time."

Cougar's heart clenched and he sat up, grasping Jake's arm.

"Jake..." Cougar half expected Jake to shrug out of his grip, but he didn't. He just turned his head, looking at Cougar with the blankest look Cougar had ever seen on his face. It didn't suit him. He didn't look like Jake when he wasn't smiling. Cougar felt helpless. "They will find me otherwise."

It caused a flicker of something in Jake's eyes but the smile he gave was sad, and he looked away again a second later.

"Yeah. Yeah, I get that."

"No, you don't." Cougar felt anger rise, even if he knew that it might be a bad idea. "They would hurt you," he bit out. "I can't-"

"I said I get it, Cougar," Jake interrupted, surprisingly firm. He didn't look upset, just determined. But the way he quickly rose from the couch, without looking at Cougar, said that he was everything but calm. And Cougar couldn't exactly blame him. "I get it. And if you have to leave you have to leave."

Jake sounded bitter.

Cougar wanted to reach out and tug Jake back down again, but he knew he had no right to do that. Nor did he ask Jake to stop when he turned and walked over to his bedroom, shutting himself in without a backwards glance.

Cougar's chest ached.

He hid his face in his hands for a couple of seconds, trying to figure out what to do. He had to leave. He really had to, but Jake clearly didn't know how to handle that. And the last thing Cougar wanted was to make Jake unhappy.

For now he would wait, hoping that Jake would calm down somewhat. But it wasn't like they had a lot of time. Cougar took Aisha's warning seriously and he would have to be gone by noon tomorrow, at the latest. He should probably make sure to leave a vague trail once he got a couple of towns over, just to make sure that the people hunting him started looking elsewhere. He couldn't let them find Jake.

As painful as it was he'd rather leave than have Jake die because of him.

Jake didn't talk to Cougar until the morning after, but that was partly Cougar's own fault. He chose to sleep on the couch that night, not wanting to intrude or make any selfish demands. It wasn't until they saw each other the next morning – and Cougar noticed the tired, defeated look on Jake's face – that he even realized that he had probably only made things worse by doing so.

Jake might actually have wanted for Cougar to join him, so that they could treasure what little time they had left.

But now that Cougar hadn't Jake was quiet and distant. Not angry or disappointed; just subdued. Resigned. Which, in all honesty, was ten times worse. He said good morning but didn't talk over breakfast. And when Cougar let him know that he would have to leave within the next two hours Cougar could see that what little hope had been left in Jake's eyes got ruthlessly smothered. Jake's entire expression seemed to shutter down and close. It made him look hollow.

Cougar didn't know how to make it better. He _couldn't_ stay, and he knew that Jake understood that too. But that didn't make it any easier for either of them.

When Cougar found himself standing there, by the front door, ready to step out and not return for God knew how long, he felt absolutely miserable. He felt cold and empty inside, the hopelessness having spread through his veins until he didn't even know how to fight it.

Jake took a deep breath and Cougar didn't miss how it trembled, just a tiny bit.

"I wish I could tell you to drop by if you're ever in town again but-... I can't do that. Not with a clear conscience. Not when I know that you kill people." Jake was staring down at his feet, hands tightly clenched at his sides. "Because I have this adorable little niece and I've promised myself that I will never do anything that could potentially mean that I can't look her in the eye again. My sister and I are raising her to be a good, responsible person and while I can forgive the things you _have_ done I can't condone what you _will_ do, and I can't-"

"Jake," Cougar interrupted softly, stepping closer, "I understand."

It hurt – Cougar wasn't going to lie about that – but he really did understand. His respect for Jake only grew seeing him draw the line where he did. It showed a strength of character that Cougar envied in a way, since he wasn't sure if he could do the same. Jake could deny himself something he so desperately wanted, not to punish himself or to play the martyr, but because it was the right thing to do. Because it would compromise his morality, his sense of self and his family, if he didn't.

Jake had never seemed more beautiful than he did in that very moment.

The fact that Jake obviously thought that Cougar had no intention of coming back, well, that was another matter entirely. But he guessed he couldn't blame Jake for thinking that, when Cougar hadn't said anything to make him believe differently.

"You _are_ welcome back," Jake continued, his voice frail even as he looked up, meeting Cougar's eyes, "but only if you've stopped killing. Only then, Cougar. I'll forgive everything and let you stay for as long as you want, but only if you promise that you're done."

Cougar had no idea what to reply. His chest seemed to constrict but at the same time he felt so proud and grateful.

Jake's willingness to forgive wasn't innocence – he was too aware and intelligent for that – but more like an understanding of just what life could force you to go through. Jake understood that sometimes people had to do bad things in order to survive, and that sometimes they deserved a second chance. To hear that Cougar could be forgiven, even for such horrendous acts as he had committed, was nothing short of a miracle.

In a way what Jake offered wasn't forgiveness as much as salvation. Cougar's salvation.

"I don't want you to have any kind of misconceptions about this so I'll just say it straight out, alright?" Jake seemed nervous but determined. "I want you to stay. I really, _really_ want you to stay, Cougs. Please stay."

It took a moment for Cougar to be able to draw his next breath.

He knew he might be making a mistake – he had no right whatsoever to what he was about to do – but he couldn't help reaching out, his fingers curling around Jake's collar. He pulled gently, until Jake gravitated closer, their breaths mingling.

The kiss was achingly soft during the first couple of seconds, until Jake let out a wounded, heartbreaking little sound and pulled Cougar closer, his hands framing Cougar's face. Urgency bled into the softness, swallowing it and morphing it into something burning and desperate.

Jake kissed him as if he would never see Cougar again.

It hurt more than Cougar could put into words but he still let the kiss linger, drawing out every single ounce of bittersweet pleasure he could.

A part of Cougar wanted to say yes; to accept Jake's terms right then and there and stay, for however long he would be allowed to. But he knew it wouldn't last and he refused to lie to Jake; not about something as important as this.

He wouldn't promise something until he knew he could keep it.

Jake chased after his lips when Cougar pulled back, the raw desperation in that oh so simple act making his heart clench. Cougar slowly let go of Jake's collar, his hands sliding down along Jake's chest instead.

"I can't. Not yet," Cougar mumbled against Jake's lips, his heart aching with longing.

Jake's face crumpled but he made an admiral attempt to hide it.

"Oh. I-... Okay." His voice cracked and Cougar wanted to pull him in for a hug, a kiss – anything to make him look less devastated. But Jake was already stepping away, putting some distance between them. Jake refused to look him in the eye. "I understand."

Cougar had hurt him. Of course he had. He had crushed at least a part of Jake's heart by not accepting the offer. The reply wasn't what Jake had hoped and _deserved_ to hear. Jake believed that he wasn't worth it. That he wasn't good enough and that Cougar wasn't prepared to sacrifice his job for someone like Jake; someone he had just met and barely knew.

Cougar knew that had to be what caused the look on Jake's face. He looked so utterly heartbroken that it was physically painful to watch.

It was just that Cougar refused to give empty promises that had the potential to hurt Jake even more than a rejection did. Cougar couldn't say that he would quit his job, not until he actually knew for sure; not until it was safe to do so. That, more than anything, held him back. Cougar knew that if he wanted it enough he could make the changes, but the question was if the people he worked with would allow it. He couldn't risk Jake getting hurt.

And he couldn't risk being found by the people closing in on his heels this very minute.

"I don't want to leave. But they will find me if I don't," Cougar said, trying to somehow explain that he wasn't making these decisions because he wanted to, but because he _had_ to. "I will try to come back." It was the only thing Cougar could promise for sure. "Jake, I will try."

It didn't seem to matter all that much. Jake nodded to show that he had heard but his expression didn't change. He seemed closed off and guarded. Cougar's lame promise wasn't good enough. Jake didn't believe him.

Cougar couldn't blame him.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye then." When Jake looked up his eyes were shiny and red around the edges, as if he was trying not to cry.

Something within Cougar broke.

"Jake, I-"

"No, Cougar, it's okay," Jake interrupted, his smile forced. He took another step back. "Just take care, okay?"

It was a dismissal and Cougar knew he had no right to argue. He was the one who hurt Jake. He was the one who made the bad choices. He was the one who made Jake look like he might never smile again.

Suddenly Cougar wanted to leave, if only to punish himself for being such an asshole.

"You too." Cougar wasn't sure if he had ever heard his own voice sound so wrecked.

Jake nodded but said nothing. That in itself showed how much Cougar had hurt him. And maybe Cougar deserved the pain from seeing that, but Jake sure didn't.

So instead of prolonging it Cougar tipped his hat, gave Jake a weak smile and left. His chest was so tight it hurt to breathe but it was his own fault, he knew that. And Jake was probably feeling even worse.

Cougar was so fucking ashamed of himself.

Three weeks later Cougar accepted another job not because he wanted to but because he needed to see if things would be different. He _felt_ different, even if he couldn't pinpoint how. It just felt as if something had shifted out of alignment – or perhaps it had finally clicked into place. Either way he had to know, for a fact, that he knew what the fuck he was doing.

It turned out that he didn't.

The only thing he could see when he was about to pull the trigger was the look on Jake's face; the heartbroken, disappointed look that made Cougar feel like the worst person in the entire world.

He couldn't do it.

There was no way he would be able to look Jake in the eyes again if he finished this job. It was basically a routine hit – one he had performed many times over the years – but at the same time it was completely different. Because now Cougar knew Jake. He knew what Jake's smile looked like in the morning when he was disoriented and sleep mussed. He knew the color of Jake's eyes and how his hair glowed golden when the sun shone in it. He knew what Jake tasted like, and how he kissed.

Cougar suddenly knew so many things he hadn't known before, and he realized that he didn't want to lose them. Not like this. Not _to_ this; a career as a hired killer that he wasn't even proud over to begin with, and gave him nightmares that left him screaming.

Jake might have said that he would forgive anything Cougar had done but that didn't mean that Cougar should push his luck. It didn't mean that he should squeeze in a couple of last hits before he decided to call it a day. The decision had been made weeks ago, when he first revealed to Jake who he was. After that there was no turning back. Killing someone for money after that point – after Jake had seen who Cougar was and still accepted him, as long as he proved that he knew right from wrong – would undoubtedly make him into the kind of person he didn't want to be.

He wouldn't be able to face _himself_ if he pulled the trigger.

If he was going to stop he had to do it now, while he could still recognize what was truly important. Before he had yet another person's blood on his hands.

So he bailed.

He packed his things, returned the money he had been paid in advance and decided, once and for all, that it was enough. He was quitting. And it wasn't just because of Jake; it was because Cougar had finally faced the fact that he would lose himself if he didn't. He had grown so accustomed to his routines that he didn't even stop to consider that what he was doing and what he had become was already far too close to things he wouldn't stand for.

He killed for money. At first it had been out of necessity, because there had been nothing else he seemed to be good at, but then it had become a habit. It had felt safe and, in a way, easy, because he knew it so well.

It was always change that was difficult; to not remain in the same sheltered mindset you always had. To break free and chose a different path, wherever it might take you, that was the hard part.

Cougar knew where he wanted to go. The building might be rundown and the apartment tiny, but he had never felt as at home as he had in that place.

He wanted to return to Jake.

But there were a couple of things he needed to take care of first.

"Are you sure about this?" Aisha asked as she nudged the envelope lying between them on the table. "There's no coming back from faking your own death, you know. That would kind of defeat the purpose of pretending to be dead in the first place."

Cougar gave her a dry, measured look to show his indignation. She stirred her tea with a graceful twist of her wrist, completely ignoring his silent protest to her insulting his intelligence so blatantly. Her smile could have been friendly had Cougar not known what she was capable of.

Still, there was a stiffness to her that hadn't been there before. A hint of something tight around her mouth and something almost distracted in how she moved. Something had happened since he saw her last, just before his botched mission, but he didn't know what. It had to have been big, to affect her to the extent it had.

"As weird as this might sound I think I'm actually going to miss you," she said with a sigh. She leaned back in her chair, sipping from her teacup while a gentle breeze played in her hair. She had sunglasses on, even if they were sitting underneath one of the café's parasols. Cougar suspected it was because she didn't want him to see her eyes, and whatever emotions she was obviously trying to hide. There was a distinct sadness to her that hadn't been there before.

Cougar chose not to comment on it, knowing that it didn't concern or relate to him in the slightest.

He scoffed instead.

"You tried to kill me."

"Don't take it personally, Cougar, I try to kill everyone," Aisha replied sweetly, a smile still playing on her lips.

"Fair enough," he agreed. She was known to be a bit volatile.

"So this is it, isn't it?" Her grin was sharp but Cougar got the distinct feeling that she was telling the truth when she said that she would miss him. "And you won't tell me what changed your mind about all of this? I thought for sure that you would be the one to stay until you died, no matter if it was from old age or a bullet between your eyes."

Cougar smiled, not bothering to drink from his cup of coffee. He had ordered it only because the waiter had kept staring sullenly at him until he did.

"None of your business," Cougar replied as he reached out for the envelope.

Aisha leaned forward again, her teacup clinking against the saucer as she put it down. Without hesitation she placed her hand on top of the envelope, effectively pinning it to the table and keeping Cougar from taking it. He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I know it's not any of my business, but please, humor me." If Aisha went as far as asking nicely she really had to be beside herself with curiosity. "Is it a woman?"

Cougar chuckled before shaking his head. Aisha reluctantly let him pull the envelope from under her hand, but she didn't look the least bit happy about it. A slow smile spread on her lips.

"A man then?" She leaned her elbows against the small table, folding her arms elegantly. "I know you – or at least as well as anyone you work with can know you –, and you are a romantic at heart, Cougar. It would be just like you to do this not because you're scared or tired, but because of love. You're that kind of man. You're leaving because you found someone, aren't you?"

Had he been someone else it might have shown on his face that she was correct, but he knew that not even Aisha could read him when he didn't want her too. There was only one person who seemed to be able to glimpse into Cougar's mind without even trying.

The thought of Jake almost made him slip up.

He had no intention of revealing any details however, simply because it was safer that way. Aisha's loyalties could be somewhat fickle at times, as Cougar very well knew.

" _Gracias, señorita_ ," he said instead, clearly changing the subject. "For your help."

He could probably have done all of it without involving Aisha, but it would have taken much longer; not to mention that she had a certain elegance when it came to dealing with these things that he found himself appreciating.

"I'm helping you because I owed you one, not because I like you," she snapped. She was clearly lying and they both knew it.

He tipped his hat in Aisha's direction before pushing back his chair and getting to his feet. It was difficult not to grin when he saw the petulant look on her face. She usually considered herself to be above childish displays of emotions.

"I will miss you too," he answered. That earned him a smile.

As strange as it might be he wasn't even lying when he said that. Aisha was dangerous and not someone he would ever want to spend any considerable amount of time with, but she had a certain kind of fierceness to her that Cougar could appreciate.

He just preferred doing it from afar rather than right next to her.

Cougar didn't wait for her reply, turning to leave the café, his coffee still untouched and envelope in hand. He wasn't surprised when he heard her call out to him.

"I hope it's worth it." She sounded insulted, as if she considered it to be a personal offense that Cougar was quitting.

Cougar faced her again, walking backwards without stopping. His smile was wider than usual.

"He is."

Aisha's affronted expression changed to one of teasing, delightful pride; as if she felt particularly accomplished for having figured out his motives for leaving the business so suddenly. Had she been any less dignified Cougar suspected that she might even have fistpumped.

Despite her obvious glee she said nothing. So after one last tip from Cougar's hat he turned and left everything from his previous life behind, right there at the sunny café.

He never looked back.

Cougar knew that he had no right to demand that Jake actually let him in through the door, much less speak to him. Considering the way things had been between them when Cougar left – how he hadn't been able to give any promises about his return and explain just how much Jake actually meant to him – he understood if Jake had tried to forget about him entirely.

But a rather big part of him doubted that Jake had. It had nothing to do with Cougar being confident or too sure of himself; it was a matter of knowing Jake, who was far too heartfelt and sincere to just move on. He might have tried but he was clearly the kind of person who didn't let go easy.

That was one of the reasons that Cougar even dared to show up on Jake's doorstep. More so than that however he wanted to make things right. Jake _deserved_ to know that Cougar hadn't been able to stop thinking about him from the moment he had left. Jake needed to know how much Cougar had missed him and just how empty everything felt without him. It might sound like a cliché but Cougar really did find that his life was awfully boring without Jake in it.

So just under two months after he left Cougar walked up to Jake's apartment building, having made sure that Jake did in fact still live there by doing some not-quite-legal fact checking. It was mostly just to avoid unnecessary complications, which was also why Cougar had left his things at the motel he had checked into, not wanting to seem overly presumptuous about whether Jake would allow him inside or not. Cougar arrived well after any of Jake's shifts should have ended if it was a work night, and he prayed that Jake would be there when he knocked on the door.

He still hesitated just outside it, feeling more nervous than he had in years. Possibly because this had nothing to do with his skills or accomplishments. It was all up to Jake, and he had every right to slam the door in Cougar's face if he so felt like it.

Still, Cougar had to try. He was willing to give Jake everything, as long Jake gave him the chance.

The knock echoed hollowly in the filthy hallway and Cougar could hear the distant beat of the music Jake was playing. He had no idea what to expect from of the next couple of minutes and as nerve wracking that was it was also a bit thrilling.

There was a dull click when Jake unlocked the door and as embarrassed as it made him Cougar held his breath the moment it opened. Trust Jake not to think to look through the peephole _or_ keep the security chain on, because the door opened wide pretty much immediately. The look on Jake's face – mild confusion mingled with curiosity – showed pretty clearly that he had no idea who was on the other side.

His expression changed the moment recognition set in, his eyes widening in surprise. It was rather gratifying that Jake's first reflex upon seeing Cougar was to reach out towards him; never mind that he seemed to catch himself before he actually got close enough to touch, quickly snatching his hand back.

"You-... Cougar. Hi." Jake seemed lost for words and his smile – though bright – was nervous and trembling slightly. The hand he had pulled back was tightly clenched, the other gripping the door maybe a tad bit too forcefully.

"Hello." Cougar couldn't help smiling, knowing that for once he might have to be the one to lead the conversation. He held out his hand towards Jake. "Carlos Mendoza."

Jake blinked, staring at Cougar's hand in confusion before he hesitantly accepted the handshake, looking like he wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do with it.

"Is that your real name?" he asked, eyes narrowed in what could be suspicion.

"Carlos is."

"And Mendoza?" Jake was still holding Cougar's hand and neither of them made any move to let go, no doubt soaking up the warmth of each other's fingers, starved for it even after barely two months apart.

"Better than my old one," Cougar replied.

Jake weighted indecisively on his heels, making him sway a little back and forth. He looked uncomfortable and fidgety, his expression conflicted and difficult to read.

"Why?"

"He died."

There was a short moment of stillness between them before the stiffness in Jake's shoulders and spine eased. He seemed to finally catch up to where this conversation was heading and Cougar could feel Jake's fingers twitch against his own.

He hoped it was a sign of anticipation.

"Oh?"

" _Sí_ ," Cougar confirmed, nodding seriously. "Car accident."

Jake took a deep breath before pulling gently on Cougar's hand, making him take a step closer, well into Jake's personal space.

"Does that mean that you're done?" Jake's voice was hesitant but hopeful, as if he was afraid of asking the question because he knew what he wanted the answer to be and couldn't be sure that it was the one he would get. "You quit?"

Cougar nodded.

"I quit the moment I met you." It wasn't even an exaggeration. Looking back on it Cougar knew it was the truth, it had just taken him several weeks to come to terms with it.

The smile on Jake's face was practically euphoric. Despite his urgency he seemed to take a second to just look at Cougar, his other hand reaching up to run along Cougar's cheek.

"I didn't think you would come back," Jake mumbled, voice low and vulnerable, despite the lingering smile on his lips.

"I said I would try."

"That wasn't much of a consolation, Coug," Jake admonished softly before taking a step back. Cougar's brief flash of fear was soothed when Jake tugged on his hand, making him follow him in through the door so that they could close it and speak in the privacy of Jake's apartment, rather than the hallway outside.

"I know." Cougar was able to smile, even if it was weak. "I never wanted to leave."

Jake let out a slow breath before pulling Cougar to him; as if he couldn't get close enough. It was surprising just how easy they could flow back into that old habit.

"Yeah, I kinda realized. Or maybe I knew from the beginning, but it didn't make it hurt any less."

"I had to leave. Without it-"

"Cougs, seriously – shut up," Jake interrupted, his voice gentle despite the harshness of his words. Cougar gave him a dry look, which only seemed to earn him a wider smile. Not that Cougar complained. "I get it, okay? I was just feeling hurt and abandoned and that makes me childish. I wanted a magical fix that just wasn't possible." Jake untangled their fingers so that he could raise both of his hands, cradling Cougar's face. "But, luckily enough for me, you're the kind of man who fixes things rather than just whine about it. And I can't thank you enough for that."

Cougar felt himself relax, knowing that while things might not be perfect between them – not yet at least – Jake had already forgiven him. Maybe even weeks ago.

Jake was so close that Cougar could feel his breath whisper against his lips.

"You're staying?" There was so much hope in that one, simple question.

Dread too, but most of all hope.

Cougar's smile came easily. As did his nod.

"I'm staying."

He didn't have time to see a whole lot of Jake's brilliant smile before he was pulled in for a deep, needy kiss. Cougar embraced it, responding in kind while wrapping his arms around Jake's waist, making sure to hold him as close as he possibly could. He had missed Jake something terrible the past weeks. He couldn't even describe the feeling that was rising within him when he finally got to kiss Jake again; feel his warmth and treasure the sheer beauty of Jake's presence. He was vibrant and alive in a way that Cougar had never seen before.

It was like he was holding the very essence of life in his arms.

And, more than anything, he had found a home.  


In a way it was as if Cougar had never left. They easily fell back into the old routines when it came to cooking and cleaning. Cougar was actually surprised to find that Jake still kept the apartment relatively tidy, having stuck with Cougar's system of organizing his things. Jake admitted, somewhat shamefully, that he hadn't at first, messing it up out of pure spite the first two weeks. But eventually he had calmed down and straightened it out again, if nothing else because he didn't find things as easily as he would have liked.

Cougar was careful not to comment or gloat.

There were still some noticeable differences now that Cougar was there to stay. He had actual clothes and things of his own for one, which joined Jake's on the shelves and in the wardrobes and dresser. Jake also agreed to let Cougar keep one of his guns, if only because he showed Cougar the one _he_ had. The difference being that Jake's was legal and Cougar's wasn't, but considering the neighborhood and the fact that someone from Cougar's past might still show up unannounced they agreed that it would be for the best.

Cougar was actually surprised that he hadn't known about Jake's gun, but, then again, he hadn't exactly looked for it either. Especially not fastened on the underside of Jake's bedside table.

Apart from that Cougar got to do a lot of grocery shopping now that he didn't have to lie low and hide in the apartment all hours of the day. Since Cougar was officially dead there shouldn't be anyone out looking for him, and most who would want him harm didn't know what he looked like anyway.

So while Jake was away at work – classes were over for the summer so he had picked up extra shifts to earn more money – Cougar did a lot of the housework. Out of sheer boredom. He was looking for employment but until he got it he would have to keep himself occupied through other means.

It felt weird to apply for normal, legal jobs. Cougar honestly didn't know how that worked.

Granted that he didn't actually need to get a job if he didn't want to. He had enough money saved up that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life – even if he had left some behind when he died, since it wouldn't exactly have been believable if he had cleared all of his accounts just before his 'accident' –, but he wasn't sure if Jake would like it if he used them. It was a discussion for later, once they were more comfortable with each other and the life they now shared.

In the end the reason why Cougar wanted a job was mostly because he needed something to do. He would become awfully restless otherwise and couldn't help feeling slightly intrigued by the idea of having an honest job for once. His curiosity might abate as soon as he had it, but it was still better than the alternative.

Cougar had no intention of letting Jake down – not when he made such an effort to make Cougar feel at home. Because as devastated as Jake had been when Cougar left he welcomed him back without hesitation, trusting him even though Cougar might not have deserved it.

Jake was nothing short of amazing.

There were instances when Jake seemed to reach out and touch Cougar, as if to make sure that he was still there, but apart from that he was most often happy, affectionate and, yes, extremely horny. If Cougar hadn't been on the same page it might have been a slight inconvenience, but since he was just as eager – if less verbal and forward about it – he ended up just riding it out.

Literally and figuratively.

Cougar spent a lot of his time trying to make up for how he had hurt Jake two months ago, if not through slightly halting but sincere words then his actions. Jake seemed to understand what Cougar was trying to accomplish, practically glowing – and _thriving_ – under the attention. Jake never seemed as confident as just after Cougar had pulled him in for a thorough, searing kiss and a couple of tender, mumbled words. In those moments Jake looked absolutely dorky, but also unbelievably beautiful, radiating happiness and contentment.

Cougar would keep spoiling him with affection for years to come, as long as Jake kept looking like that.

There were still a couple of kinks they needed to work out – like how to live together on a permanent basis, and just what to tell Jake's sister and niece – but it was surprisingly easy. It probably shouldn't have been what with how different they were and what Jake knew about Cougar, but they made it work. They made it into something amazing.

And Cougar cherished every minute of it.

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

Cougar's first reaction when his old, forgotten phone started ringing was confusion. Not only was there only one person who had the number, but he knew that she was wise enough not to call him unless there was something terribly wrong.

With that in mind he couldn't help feeling a slight sting of worry as he looked at the flashing display. Aisha wouldn't call unless it was important. She probably didn't even know if she could still reach him or not, since Cougar had disappeared without a trace, cutting all ties with Aisha and his old life. Cougar kept the phone mostly in case if he ever needed a spare one. It was a risk – he knew that – but he had still kept it.

He had a hard time justifying why himself.

Cougar was grateful that Jake was busy making dinner, singing along with the music playing on his laptop, so focused on the task that he probably didn't notice that the phone Cougar answered wasn't his usual one.

"Aisha?" There was no need bothering with formalities.

Cougar thought he heard a relieved exhale on the other end, but he decided it had to be his own imagination. Aisha didn't show weakness.

"I honestly didn't expect this to work," she said somewhat amusedly, uncharacteristically honest. She was always blunt, yes, but rarely admitted to flaws or faults. "Cougar, I need a huge favor. I'll pay for it, of course."

That stumped him for a second. She had never, in the many years they had known each other, asked for a favor. She loathed being in anyone's debt.

"¿ _Qué_?"

"I know." She appeared to be speaking through clenched teeth. "I wouldn't normally ask that – especially since I know you're retired – but that's also why you're perfect." She let out a slow breath. "I need people who can slip under the radar. Not to mention people who know what they're doing."

Cougar frowned and walked over to the window, looking out without really seeing anything, keeping Jake in his peripheral. Jake was still singing but something told Cougar that it hadn't passed him by that Cougar was speaking on the phone. Cougar usually didn't and Jake had a tendency to notice when Cougar did things out of the ordinary. It was just about two months since Cougar had permanently moved in, but they still knew each other better than most would after years of acquaintance.

"What are you after?"

Aisha could probably tell that Cougar wasn't agreeing to anything yet, but he wasn't going to refuse until he had heard more. She had to be desperate if she was calling him and, well, she _was_ the closest thing Cougar had to a friend. He might have a slight soft spot for her.

"Max."

Cougar stiffened. He had heard that name being whispered through the channels, but made sure to steer clear. Cougar knew better than to get mixed up with the CIA, and especially spooks as covert as Max. Which of course meant that Cougar knew very little about the man, and even less why Aisha might want to go after him.

"It's dangerous, I know," she continued, clearly not needing a verbal answer from Cougar, "but I have finally got a lead on him and I should be able to recruit a couple of men to help me chase him." A slight pause. "A couple, but not enough. I need someone with your skills, Cougar."

She needed him to kill.

Cougar closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't do that, not even for Aisha. He had promised Jake that he wouldn't.

"Aisha, I don't-"

"He's a monster, Cougar!" Aisha hissed, voice sharp. "Did you watch the news a couple of months ago? Twenty-five innocent children died because of him! And that's just the beginning. You have no idea-"

"Bolivia?" Cougar asked, ignoring how Jake's head snapped up, showing that he was indeed listening to what Cougar was saying.

"Yes, Bolivia," Aisha replied through gritted teeth. "The soldiers supposedly died in the explosion, but it turns out that some of them are still alive – and looking for revenge. I can recruit them."

Cougar's gaze met Jake's and he wasn't quite sure if the sensation growing in his stomach was dread or some weird kind of anticipation. It felt as if something was clicking into place, but he couldn't say what it was.

Jake was looking at Cougar, confusion written all over his face, but he seemed able to tell that something important was taking place. Cougar had no idea what to say. How could he possibly explain to Jake that the soldiers he had mourned weeks ago were – according to Aisha – still alive? And that she wanted to hire Cougar to help avenge them. Not that Cougar really cared, because he had no emotional connection to them whatsoever.

But Jake did.

"Cougar?" Aisha's impatience made her voice curt and cutting.

He tilted his head to the side.

"Do you need a hacker?"

This only made Jake's eyes widen in confusion, since he had to understand that Cougar was referring to him. Cougar didn't know a whole lot of hackers. Especially not special ops trained ones.

There was a silence on the other end and to Cougar's surprise Jake remained quiet as well. But that might have been because of the serious look on Cougar's face.

"Yes," Aisha replied after a brief pause. "Do you have someone in mind?"

"I might." Cougar knew better than to make any promises though. "I'll think about it."

"I need your answer within the next two days, Cougar."

"I'll call you." And with that he hung up, rather rudely. Mostly because of the look on Jake's face, since Cougar knew that he wouldn't be able to contain his questions for much longer.

And, sure enough, it didn't take more than a split second before Jake opened his mouth.

"What was that about? Who called? Why were you talking about Bolivia? Actually, in what capacity were you talking about Bolivia? And why were you talking about me? You were talking about me, right?"

Jake sure knew how to talk fast.

Cougar held up a staying hand after having put away his phone, walking closer to Jake until he could grab his hand and tug him towards the couch.

"I will explain," he promised, pushing Jake down before taking a seat next to him. "But you might not like it."

Cougar prided himself in knowing Jake rather well by then, but he actually had no clue whether he would be willing to put himself at risk for that team of soldiers he had almost joined. Cougar didn't know how well Jake had known them or if he would be willing to kill for them.

But at least he could offer him the chance.

If Jake didn't like it they would do nothing. Cougar didn't owe Aisha anything and while he could admit that it worried him to hear that she was about to go up against someone as dangerous as Max, he was selfish enough to want to stay with Jake rather than rush to her aid.

Jake took a deep breath to calm himself – which only seemed marginally successful – before he gesture for Cougar to start talking.

"Lay it on me, Coug."

After a brief moment of hesitation – just a second of teetering on the edge of indecision – Cougar explained. He could practically feel their very existence shift as he did so, made all the more obvious by the growing look of determination on Jake's face. If the change was for the better or not, well, only time would tell. But Cougar had a feeling that the next couple of days – or weeks, even – would be anything but calm.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought that I couldn't somehow turn this around into being a prelude to the movie (much like Runaway could be) then you were clearly underestimating my abilities ;) And, before any of you ask: If I somehow find a way to squeeze it into a bonus chapter of 10 000 words or less then I'll write the movie too. It would be rather fascinating, since Cougar's loyalty would lie with Jake first, Aisha second and the mission third. So would he pick up on Roque's betrayal, simply because he'd be more concerned with Jake's safety and threats against it? Who knows? Maybe we'll find out one day, when I'm not swamped with other projects xD
> 
> I had so much fun writing this one, even if it hurt at times, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. The balance between Cougar and JJ was a joy to explore - how Cougar was, in many ways, the one in need of assurance while JJ was the firm, confident one - and I'm pleased with how well it all came together in the end. Thank you to [Jujitsuelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf) for the prompt and [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) for betaing! 
> 
> I can reveal that my next Losers fanfic - called Static (oh yes, some of you know what that one is about and you should be very afraid) - will be up within the next couple of weeks, once I've fixed the last couple of tweaks and details. Until then you can find me on my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/), where I babble on about my fanfics and post random ficlets so far not seen on my AO3. Until next time, my lovelies!


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